Breakups are the pits. All of us here on the team. Verily have been through it- we know it isn’t fun. You know what also isn’t fun? That two-month mark” oh crap” feeling when you start to think: Did I make a horrible mistake?
The kick-off is different for everyone. Sometimes it comes in the form of a phone call from our ex desperately pleading to get back together, sometimes it’s coming across that Facebook photo where he’s smiling with another girl at a party and you think.” Oh my gosh, has he moved on?!!
No matter how it comes about, just telling yourself ” not to think about it” often isn’t enough to solve your nagging doubts(although it can definitely help!). Rather than running around in circles in your mind, ask yourself these questions to think productively about giving the relationship a second shot.
01. Are you in love with the person or the idea of them…
It’s best to address this question first, as it is the most pressing feeling at the moment- Longing for his presence. Sometimes that’s a genuine desire for a particular person: sometimes it’s just plain old loneliness. And that’s Ok! Human Beings really aren’t meant to be completely alone- even monks live in community!- so don’t take it as a sign that you were meant to be together. But do recognize that your feelings may not be coming from a place of clarity. So often we can get wrapped up in the sudden loneliness of not having someone to text with before bed, or not be having a date for that upcoming wedding, or even seeing friends’ photos with their S.O., that we lose perspective.
If you Don’t think it’s just Loneliness, really consider who this person is. Too often the memory of a person we miss gets blown out of proportions in our minds, gussied up with rose-colored glasses. Are the things you love about this man reality or just longing for who you desire him to be? What character traits do you love about him? What specifically do you miss?
2. What the reason that leads to Break up in First Place?
Despite all those reasons for missing him now, there was something that ended the relationship in the first place. What was it? If you broke up over substantial differences, like your religious beliefs or your attitudes towards money, is there something to make you think those issues have been resolved? And no”we’ll figure it out” is not an answer.
Remember that all the Longing and loneliness you feel now can make something as painful as cheating on you that one time seems like nothing in retrospect. Go further than identifying why it is you chose t break things off: Remind Yourself of how those difficulties made you feel.
Which brings us to the next question…
3. What Would a relationship with that person look like now?
If the reason was something like distance or a move, then think about what rekindling your relationship would look like now. If he’s on one coast and you’re on the other, is that something you’re willing to make work? Even if you’re only a few hours away, if you’re in a new, demanding job, you may not get to see each other every weekend like you used to. Think about these factors when evaluating weather getting back together would truly make you happy.
Next Question coming in my Mind?
4. What have You Learned since Breakup?
Have you changed? Do you want different things than you did when you were with your EX? Feel free to ask for you Dear one ‘ input on this as well. if they’ve seen a change in your demeanor- for the better- since your breakup, that could be a telltale sign you made the right decision.
05. Do you see a future together?
It’s possible that when looking at your relationship in a static way, any problems leadings up to the breakup (or even post- breakup) don’t seem very large. Maybe you worked through some of your previous issues. But did you consider the biggest one; whether or not there’s a foundation for a real future together? The first time around, it can be easy to get swept up in the feeling of falling in love. if you’re going to take the effort to restart a previously sputtered romance, building it on a shared vision makes it more likely that this time around you two will make it.
Once you have answered these questions honestly- without fear of whatever the answer to your ultimate questions might be- make the decision to move forward. Remember, whether you made a mistake or not, your Ex is not the last “Good Person” on this planet You will meet someone else who makes your heart skip the way he did, but this time you will have learned valuable lessons about who you are and what you what from the next relationship.