”If You Make Us Feel Invincible, We’ll Make You Feel Beautiful.”

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”If you love someone, set them free”

Whether you are a man or a woman reading this article, this will give you greater clarity in yourself/partner and what your/their needs are in your intimate relationship.

Let’s put an end to the needless fighting due to miscommunication, the unnecessary sex-less nights, and the verbal shut-downs.

Read through these tips and I promise you’ll never see your relationship through the same lens again.

Open any beauty magazine and you’ll see article upon article about what women want in relationships and how to get it. But there’s rarely space for men to express their relationship needs. And women need to know. So let’s create that space. Here. Now. Maybe it can be the first domino to start a conversation. You may or may not agree with these. What’s more important is that we talk about it. The following are based on my sessions coaching thousands of men on and offline as well as my own wants.

To feel like your hero:-

We don’t want to be your Clark Kent. We want to be your Superman. We want you to see us as leaping tall buildings in a single bound and catching bullets. Not pushing a mail cart and asking you if we can buy sugar cereal < — Or at least feel that way. And I know it’s our job to get there, not yours. But nothing gives us more strength than a woman who creates a space that makes us feel invincible. If you make us feel invincible, we’ll make you feel beautiful. And of course, you want to feel invincible too and we want to feel beautiful as well. But for men, our invincible is your beauty.

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Acceptance:-

There’s a new T-shirt trending Los Angeles titled “Love Me Anyways.” They should make them for men. Because we need to feel that when we stack the dishes in the dishwasher like a five-year-old, say the wrong thing in front of your friends, leave the toilet seat up, get too logical, forget something you’ve said a thousand times, that you love us anyway. Because inside every man is a boy who forgets he’s a man sometimes. And every boy gets into things, not because he’s bad but because he’s got a curious mind and a short attention span.

Unconditional support from our woman is what will snap us out of our boyish behavior and inject us with a desire to be a stronger man. Only when you accept us as we are, who we are, will we want to become someone better.

Not to be left in the dark:-

So many women don’t tell their men how they feel because they don’t want to rock the boat. Or they’re afraid. The truth is when you don’t express yourself, you leave us in the dark. You’re not doing life with us. You’re doing life around us. We don’t really know the truth of you. You are prepackaging and presenting parts of your life instead of doing your whole life with us. This creates a crowbar, not glue.

Couples grow and get stronger overcoming adversity, not by doing life separately. Know that every time you hold things in, you are building walls inside the sacred space of the relationship. No, we don’t want you to verbally vomit on us. But believe it or not, we really do want to know how you feel.

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Blinders sex is about connection:-

There’s sex. Then there’s blinders sex, the kind of sex that gives you blinders, keeps your eyes forward and intentions straight when you’re out in the world. Let’s face it. Men are going to look. They’re like squirrels. They get distracted by shiny things. But there’s a difference between noticing and wanting. We’re visual creatures. We notice shiny things. But blinder sex gets us to say, “Yeah, she may be pretty but I would never trade in what I have for anything else.”

Blinders sex isn’t just good sex. It’s an authentic deep connection with someone that makes you fantasize about them in the shower, call in sick so you can lie in bed all day making love and eating Oreos. It produces an experience that cannot happen with anyone else. That’s why it gives us blinders. Blinders sex is about connection. Not sex.

The C-word:-

Communication. Without it, relationships are built on sand. We want you to communicate directly. We don’t get clues. We need things spelled out. We are logical creatures. And we understand that if you have to spell it out, it’s not the same. You don’t want us to do the dishes. You want us to want to do the dishes. We get it. OK, then tell us. Explain. Model how you would like us to communicate back.

For many of us, communication is not our specialty. We need some guidance. Generally speaking, men tend to pull from a logical place. Women pull from an emotional place. If you can meet us at logic, we will match your emotions.

Sweat:-

There’s nothing sexier than working out with your intimate partner. Watching you sweat and work on your body only encourages us to work on ours as well. We get to see the raw and real you, a different type of naked. Now, if we do this together, we’re in the act of building something, a lifestyle. We’re not just talking. We’re doing. And that’s hot. We need to sweat and we would like it if you joined us.

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Mandates:-

There is something we get from our boys (male friends) that we just can’t get from you. And there’s nothing you can do to give us that because it’s a relationship dynamic, a comradery that men have with men. You have the same when you go dancing with your girlfriends. And it doesn’t mean we want to be with them more. It’s apples and oranges. It fulfills a different part of us. And it refuels us and wants to be with you more. It’s life balance. It’s also going to sharpen us and make us better men, assuming our boys are not boys but real men.

To have our own lives:-

We may not say it, because how do you tell the person you love to get a life? But we really want you to have your own life. Really. We want you to have your own set of friends, activities, and passions. Of course, we want to be supportive of everything you care about and be a part of anything you would like us to be a part of, but we want you to have your own identity.

Because if you have nothing that is yours, our relationship is standing on one leg. Also, if you have your own life, it forces us to get our own lives as well or risk losing you. Forget legs. Let’s put our relationship on wheels. One is yours. One is mine. And together, we’ll ride.

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” Admit Your Role In A Failed Relationship ” Without Blaming …

James R. Eads http:/www.tuttartpitturasculturapoesiamusica.com;

”Blaming and shaming are like a cancer in a relationship. If they are allowed to live and spread, the entire relationship can slowly wither away and die.”

When it comes to placing blame in a relationship, it’s almost always easier to see the faults in our partner than in ourselves. One of the problems with couples pointing fingers is that usually both parties are right, and both are wrong. Every person is full of flaws and certain ways that we attempt to defend ourselves that push us away from other people. These self-protective defenses come out even stronger when we get close to someone, and old feelings start to get triggered in us in ways we don’t necessarily expect and aren’t entirely conscious of.

The many ways we get hurt throughout our lives help shape our defenses. Negative past experiences, particularly those from our childhood, leave us on guard as adults. Our defenses may warn us not to trust or open ourselves up to someone else. Or they may tell us to cling on for dear life, because we may be abandoned at any minute. The key to thriving in a relationship is getting to know and challenge our own defenses. Instead of focusing all our attention on our partner’s flaws, it’s important to look at our own limitations. How am I reacting to my partner? Am I misperceiving him/her through the filter of my “critical inner voice?” Am I projecting negative characteristics of my early caretakers onto him/her?

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In improving any relationship, the focus should always be on empowering yourself. You can only change your part in the equation, but that gives you a lot of power. So what can you do to take charge and change the behaviors that are holding you back from getting closer? How can you take actions that will sustain passion, love, and respect in your relationship?

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Don’t build a case :-When a conflict arises, it’s easy to fuel the fire with all kinds of proof of our partner’s character flaws. One morning of forgetting to take out the trash can build into a full-blown criminal case proving our partner guilty of insufferable laziness. We may start cataloging every incident in which he or she forgot to do this or that. Case-building is a huge problem in any relationship. Once we start to see our partner a certain way, we often start perceiving (or misperceiving) their actions through a negative filter. We may start interpreting innocent comments as critical or casual behaviors as rejecting. In these cases, we can either feed our feelings of blame or try to keep a more balanced perspective about what’s going on. Again, we should try to recognize if and when we might be projecting onto our partner or acting on harmful, yet familiar patterns from our past.

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Drop It :-Once the blame starts going back and forth and escalating out of control, it becomes almost impossible to resolve who did what or who’s at fault. The truth is, there is never a winner in these arguments. “You may win the battle, but you will lose the war.” Keep perspective on what’s important. If your goal is really to be close again, then sometimes it’s worth just dropping the past, putting down your guard, and simply being nice to each other. Unilateral disarmament can be a first step to getting back the easy and loving flow of feelings between you and your partner. This is different from glossing over or denying your problems. It’s a matter of dropping your own reactive defenses and stopping the blame game. Ultimately, you will be able to have an honest, adult discussion, where you are open to giving and receiving feedback from a compassionate and calm place.

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Calm yourself down :-Relationships trigger us in ways we rarely expect. Many things can set us off, especially when defenses are at work. A partner’s bad mood or withholding attitude can throw us back into a primal state, particularly when it reminds us of painful dynamics from our past. Though, in the moment, our instinct may be to fight fire with fire, this clearly won’t resolve the problem. When we feel triggered, we should focus on relaxing before reacting. We can better manage our partner’s temper by calming ourselves down first, then approaching them. Issues will always arise between two, independent-minded people, and it’s easy to get critical of someone who we know well enough to witness their weaknesses. When trouble starts brewing, expect the rush of critical thoughts to come into your head, roaring through like a passing train. Then, know that you can decide whether or not to jump on the train.

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Reflect on your patterns :-Once we’ve calmed down and stepped away from a heated situation with our partner, we can start to reflect. When we get triggered, it’s important to take notice of the moment and ask why. Does my reaction seem like an overreaction? Could it have anything to do with my past? Look for the thing you hate the most that your partner does and ask yourself what you do right before that.

We can think about what sets us off and what patterns are at play in our relationships. In doing so, we can accept that every couple is just two people with two sovereign minds and two stories that made us who we are today. We can have respect for those differences and compassion when confronting each other’s defenses.

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Have compassion :-As we start to identify our defenses as well as those of our partner, we get to know them better and to understand why they are the way they are. When we understand the reasons why we both get triggered, we have more compassion for ourselves and our partner. We can further foster compassion by always aiming to see the scenario from our partner’s eyes and understand how they view the situation. We can adopt an empathetic perspective toward what they perceived, even if they weren’t entirely accurate in their perceptions. As an exercise, when our partner tells us how they feel, we should try to play back what they communicate to us to show that we understand how they’re feeling and to see if we have it right. If we can align our state with theirs, we are essentially on the same team sharing the same goal of getting closer in the end.

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Be open to feedback :-As we start a dialogue, it’s essential that we are open to what our partner has to say. Feedback is not something dangerous that we ought to avoid. As an adult, we cannot be crushed or devastated by feedback. Rather, it can be a gift that challenges us to live honestly and that opens us up to the possibility for real change. Don’t be defensive when your partner gives you feedback. Look for the kernel of truth in what they’re saying, as it can benefit you far more than arguing every detail.

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Communicate what you felt:- Once we are calm and we’ve given our partner the chance to express their perceptions, we can explain how we felt without placing blame or feeling victimized. We can offer feedback ourselves in a way that is direct, yet compassionate. It’s important to communicate how we feel in our interactions without acting like we are being wronged. We should avoid using victimized language or making generalized statements. For example, rather than saying, “You made me feel terrible when you forgot to call me. What were you even doing? You ruined my whole night. You always disappoint me,” you could say, “I noticed that I started feeling insecure when you didn’t call me. I think I tend to use those situations to feel bad about myself. I’d like to work on feeling more secure in myself. And it would mean something to me for you to make an effort to stay in touch.”

Once we start to see patterns in ourselves, we can challenge ourselves to act in ways we respect and repair when we make a mistake. When we act out based on our defenses, we should apologize directly to our partner. When we stop placing blame, we shift our focus inward. We can start to differentiate from destructive behaviors we’ve adopted by identifying them, understanding where they come from, and acting differently in the situation. By laying down our arms and taking power over ourselves, we give our relationship its best chance of remaining equal, passionate, and fulfilling.