”I don’t fear death so much as I fear its prologues: loneliness, decrepitude, pain, debilitation, depression, senility. After a few years of those, I imagine death presents as a holiday at the beach.”
The onset of depression brings about questions and doubts about myself. Things like: “Am I doing the right thing in my life?” “Are my relationships all they can be?” “Am I really a valuable person?”
Depression can answer these questions in some pretty sad and discouraging ways:
You’re on the wrong track for life, change course now or forever be a failure.
You’re dragging down the people you love, best to leave them behind.
No, you can’t possibly be valuable, not with all your problems.
Anyone who has ever experienced depression knows thoughts like these. Thoughts of worthlessness, of utter despair at the thought of oneself, maybe even disgust or repulsion. Depression can really make the mirror a difficult sight to see.
Every status you have is called into question. Are you a good enough parent? Friend? Sibling? Child? Partner? All of these aspects of life are fair game for depression to leak into and try to poison, and it can be easy to let it. Fighting depression is a monumental task many don’t realize the difficulty of. It’s especially hard when it makes you question your value as a human being, the very foundation of our identity.
Every action I do is brought to scrutiny. Did I make the right decision? Should I have done things differently? What would my life be like if I hadn’t done that? The doubt that comes into play with decisions is also debilitating, as it digs up old feelings of anxiety and pressure over decisions I have to make in life. And all of those things can be used as ammunition to make me feel like I always mess up.
Depression is a fantastic liar. It can tell me all kinds of untrue things about myself — that my life is not worth living and doesn’t have meaning or purpose or value. The truth is none of those things are true. Every life is worthy of its existence, and that includes you. You may be going through some pretty rough stuff. Like, really, really rough stuff — stuff others may not be able to understand. And you may make some mistakes here and there, it’s part of being human. But ultimately nothing can change the fact that you are a valuable person, a beautiful person and strong person to have survived so long through what you’re going through. Don’t let the liar that is depression tell you any differently.
A Meaning To Live:-
Most people imagine depression equals “really sad,” and unless you’ve experienced depression yourself, you might not know it goes so much deeper than that. Depression expresses itself in many different ways, some more obvious than others. While some people have a hard time getting out of bed, others might get to work just fine — it’s different for everyone.
I feel like philosophically, I’ve reached this point where I’ve realized life is 100% pointless, so much so that there is no reason to continue living. I have absolutely no desire to go on for another 50 or 60 years like this. I’m convinced that as I get older, my mental health issues are only going to get worse as if they weren’t already bad enough. I believe that everyone who is motivated to live and looks forward to the future only does so because they have invented reasons to live. Supporting a family, making a name for yourself, I’ve realized the only reason humans mourn our dead is because we mourn our own lives losing one more person who lessened our suffering. All of life is suffering. I don’t want to die, because that would remove a part of my loved one’s lives; their suffering would increase. However, I find myself increasingly hopeful that the world ends. That we all die, and everyone’s suffering ends because there is no one to mourn.
Life is suffering, and death is the only cure for suffering. Why is it so bad to want to die? I feel a biological desire to live, but I recognize it’s only an evolutionary mechanism that I would want to avoid death. The rational part of me believes suicidal idealization is actually the only rational solution to life’s problems. I don’t think that I will ever get better, because it isn’t just depression anymore. I’ve often read about how depression can actually change who you are, it can change your very way of thinking and behaving; your entire outlook on life and the universe. I believe I have reached that point, in fact, I believe I have reached that point a couple of months ago. I don’t have any plans to kill myself in the immediate future, but I firmly believe that my cause of death, whenever I do die, will be suicide.