”Things I Learned From My Mother – Be Yourself”

“Pain changes your life forever. But so does healing from it.” 

The hell of watching someone die isn’t just the actual dying part. It’s the years, months, weeks and days leading up to it.

It’s the pain of watching day by day the most important person in your life slip further and further away from you while there is nothing you can do to stop it.

You don’t lose this person in one moment. You lose them gradually throughout the whole time they are sick. As time goes on, they become less and less the person that they were before this illness took over.

I don’t know how to find even slightly pleasant words to describe what watching a parent die feels like. I don’t know how to even try to explain it without curse words and screaming.

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It’s absolutely terrifying. It’s gut-wrenching. It sends you through a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. You don’t even know who you are anymore. It takes over your life.

 

When You Grieve the Loss of Your Mom …

What I learned was my mom taught me everything by example. I became the confident, independent man I am from watching my mom. She set the precedent.

My mom taught me that I could be anything I wanted to be. She wanted me to succeed in everything I tried. She made it known that things were different when she was a young girl. She didn’t have all of the opportunities I had. It was important to her that I took full advantage of all that life had to offer me.

I learned so much from my mom. But the greatest things she ever taught me was to live. To follow my dreams. To be happy. And I am all of these things today because of her.

My mom’s most valuable life lessons were taught to me when she was dying. When you’re saying goodbye to your mom, it doesn’t matter who you are, how old you are, or how much money you have. It just sucks. But even through death, my mom continues to teach me new things.

Having to say goodbye to my mom was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There are no words, yet you have to say something. I don’t even remember what I said. And now, it just doesn’t matter. Because now I realize that nothing had to be said.

My mom was diagnosed with kidney failure when she was forty-one years old. Now that I am twenty-six, I realize how young forty-one is. Every day I think, a little over fifteen years from now and I’ll be the age my mom was when she was given a death sentence. It scares the hell out of me.

I am also haunted by the fact of how hard it must have been on my mom. She knew she was going to die. She knew she was leaving the love of her life behind and abandoning her three kids.  I know that has to be what it feels like to say goodbye to your kids. No matter how old they are.

I remember going to the hospital and the nurse pulling us aside to tell us our mom was crying all night. I was shocked. I don’t know why. I just never stopped to think that my mom was scared. She was always my rock. She took care of all of us, always. She never felt sorry for herself and she was always so strong.

Knowing my mom had kidney-failure was one thing. Knowing my mom was scared was quite another.

My mom lingered on for many months. She was seen by many specialists at many hospitals. For a while there, we had hope. But then a last-ditch-effort trip to another world renown hospital would end all the hope and speculation. Now the goal would be to make her comfortable. To pray for peace.

Hospice came and set up shop in our family room. This was our new reality. We had visitors in and out every single day. Our lives were shattering, yet the outside world kept spinning.

Thankfully my mom didn’t suffer long. The end came fast. So fast we couldn’t all be there.  My cousins woke me up and said to come home by next flight. A nurse was taking my mom’s pulse and said it would be soon. Sometime in the next few hours, was her guess.

My mom died an hour later. With just my dad and my brother there. I’m pretty sure I didn’t even know what was happening. I sat next to her for a while after she was gone. Staring at her. Willing for her to wake up. She didn’t.

A few minutes later, her friends arrived. My dad met them on the front porch as I stayed with my mom. I could hear them wailing. It was unbearable. They came inside and said their goodbyes.

My uncle and brothers made it home soon thereafter. My brothers were heartbroken that they were not there when our mom died. I was haunted that I had been there. It turns out our final good-byes did not matter. It was the life we had all shared together that did. And that could never be taken away from us.

 

Now we had to face the cruel reality that life, does indeed, go on. Without our mom. Like it or not. But we had each other and everything that our mom had instilled in us. And that’s how life went on. And continues to go on. Every damn day.

Saying goodbye is never easy. But it’s impossible to say goodbye to someone who is always going to be part of you.

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”Relationship, Needs, And Desires”

First Lets Explore what is the difference between Relationship, Needs, And Desires.

* What is a Good Relationship?

A Good Relationship has-

# Trust,

# Encourage growth and change,

# Forgive quickly and truly,

# Accepting Things,

# Show Your Feelings,

# Never Expecting Anything Back.

So Why Trust?You have to trust your Partner. Why would you share your life with someone when you think they’re doing something wrong every time you turn your back? If you don’t trust your partner to be faithful, honest, caring or anything else, then you’re not in a good relationship. The Best Relationships begin with a deep trust, and even if problems come up(and they will)!! , the trust is strong enough to keep you together.

A Good Relationship Encourage growth and change-In a good relationship, both partners are encouraged to grow and change. You have one life to live- You should explore it to the fullest!! If you want to quit your job and go back to school, your partner should support you. If you want to try something new or go back to something old, you should find support in your relationship. And you should give these support in return. Encourage your partner to explore hobbies and interests and meet new people. If you want your partner to stay the same, you’re going to have a very boring life together.

Boring Life Together… I Know Nobody Wants That!!!!

Learn to Forgive quickly and truly-Whenever you have a fight, don’t worry about who is going to win or lose. Learn from the fight- from what was said as much as from how it was resolved. Once you learn from a fight, you can apply that lesson to your relationship to avoid trouble later. That’s all well and good, but you’re not done!! Forgive Your Partner!!Forgive Yourself. The Fight is over, you’re past it, now let it go. Never hold anything against your partner, because the resentment will build until you don’t want to be with them.

Sometimes You Can Only Accept Things, Not Fix Them-People have baggage. You have some. Your partner has some. Can you go back and erase all of this? Nope!! You’re stuck with it and have to learn to deal with it. Some things are easier to get over than others, but the reality is that sometimes, you can’t fix things. You can make problems go away. You have to accept it and get over it and move on, or else your relationship will crumble.

Show Your Feelings To Your Partner-The worst thing you can do in a relationship is play games. Don’t tease your partner; don’t “reward” good deeds with love and affection. You have to make sure your partner always feels loved. You can be happy with them or be mad at them- it doesn’t matter- they just need to feel loved. They need to know your feelings in the moment as well, don’t get me wrong. But make sure you’re showing your feelings in a way so they won’t be misunderstood.

The Best Thing In Relationship Is Never Expecting Anything Back In Return-Don’t expect your partner to read your mind, or to bring you breakfast in bed, or to offer to wash the dishes. It’s not going to happen. You can’t expect anything from anyone- You have to make your desires known. Communicate. Make sure your partner knows what you expect from the relationship, as well as your options for a wide variety of issues. This will help them act considerate towards you, But still- don’t expect anything back in return!!!!

So Then What Turn To Be A Bad Relation Than!!!!!

# Being Satisfied With Unsatisfactory Relationship,

# Negativity about love,

# Relation As Investment,

# Manipulation.

Being Satisfied With Unsatisfactory Relationship-In a recent research exploring women’s decisions about whether to stay in or to leave their relationships, the single most important determinant of women’s decisions to remain in their relationships was relationship satisfaction. How can we be satisfied with unsatisfactory relationships? Some individual, especially those with low self-esteem or those who perceive themselves to be less attractive, have low ”comparison levels”. Comparison level can be thought of as your ”standards,” or what you expect to receive from a relationship. Individuals with low comparison level, you may maintain a bad relationship because your low expectations are being met. Individuals with low self-esteem are more likely to become involved in a relationship which is of shorter duration, and they experience further declines in self Esteem when their relationship end.

Negativity about love-Psychologists distinguish among three different components of attitude; the cognitive components or thoughts, the effective component or feelings, and the behavioral component or actions. Frequently these components are not aligned with one another. For example, in the case of a bad relationship, your thoughts may be negative, telling you that your partner is not good for you, but your feelings may still be positive. We may continue to love our partners, even though we consciously recognize that we are involved in bad relationships. It is also possible that strong positive and negative feelings toward a partner my co-exist.

Relation As Investment-Other major obstacles to leaving a bad relationship includes our shared investments with our partners. Investing a lot of time in a relationship or sharing investment, such as a home or children, makes couples more likely to stay together.When we have already invested a lot of time, effort or resources in a relationship, many of us continue that investment even when it may not be best for us; we are biased toward continuing unhappy relationships once we have invested in them. When making relationship decisions, we often rely on emotions rather than rational deliberation which leads to staying in the bad relationship.

Manipulation In Relationships:-If your partner is aware that you want to leave the relationship, he or she may use different methods of manipulation to force you to stay. Emotional manipulation, such as belittling, demanding, or even threats of violence against future alternative partners, may be used to maintain the current relationship. Men with lower self- esteem, as well as men who are less physically attractive than their partners, may be more likely to use manipulation to prevent their partners from leaving their relationships. The distress associated with emotional abuse or the physical implications of intimate partner violence are strong deterrents to those seeking to leave a relationship.

So, What is the difference between our need and desires in ”Relationships”?

Our need reflects our humanity and is common to all of us.

Some needs we literally cannot live without, like air, water, and food. Some are most important for our emotional well-beings like acceptance and love, some our spirituals well-beings like the need for space and inspiration. Whatever the need without it our quality of life would be significantly worse off. The value we place on different needs make us unique but the underlying need for them is universal.

Our Desires Reflects Our Individual Uniqueness.

They are what we choose in our lives that say’ this is who we are. ‘ Our Desires are things we can survive without yet they are important aspects of how we experience, express and create our reality. The list of potential desires is as endless and varied as is the human race. Our Desires come in two different forms, desires that serve simply ourselves and desires that serve ourselves whilst benefitting others and the world around us.

Our Needs And Desires Are The Place In Relationship Where We Find Both Challange And Opportunity.

It’s not our partner’s obligation to fulfill our needs and desires, or ours to fulfill our partner’s. We commit to being together and supporting each other in whatever way we can, this is what builds love. Sharin each other’s desires brings creativity, aliveness, and growth.

''Relationship, Needs, And Desires''

First Lets Explore what is the difference between Relationship, Needs, And Desires.

* What is a Good Relationship?

A Good Relationship has-

# Trust,

# Encourage growth and change,

# Forgive quickly and truly,

# Accepting Things,

# Show Your Feelings,

# Never Expecting Anything Back.

So Why Trust?You have to trust your Partner. Why would you share your life with someone when you think they’re doing something wrong every time you turn your back? If you don’t trust your partner to be faithful, honest, caring or anything else, then you’re not in a good relationship. The Best Relationships begin with a deep trust, and even if problems come up(and they will)!! , the trust is strong enough to keep you together.

A Good Relationship Encourage growth and change-In a good relationship, both partners are encouraged to grow and change. You have one life to live- You should explore it to the fullest!! If you want to quit your job and go back to school, your partner should support you. If you want to try something new or go back to something old, you should find support in your relationship. And you should give these support in return. Encourage your partner to explore hobbies and interests and meet new people. If you want your partner to stay the same, you’re going to have a very boring life together.

Boring Life Together… I Know Nobody Wants That!!!!

Learn to Forgive quickly and truly-Whenever you have a fight, don’t worry about who is going to win or lose. Learn from the fight- from what was said as much as from how it was resolved. Once you learn from a fight, you can apply that lesson to your relationship to avoid trouble later. That’s all well and good, but you’re not done!! Forgive Your Partner!!Forgive Yourself. The Fight is over, you’re past it, now let it go. Never hold anything against your partner, because the resentment will build until you don’t want to be with them.

Sometimes You Can Only Accept Things, Not Fix Them-People have baggage. You have some. Your partner has some. Can you go back and erase all of this? Nope!! You’re stuck with it and have to learn to deal with it. Some things are easier to get over than others, but the reality is that sometimes, you can’t fix things. You can make problems go away. You have to accept it and get over it and move on, or else your relationship will crumble.

Show Your Feelings To Your Partner-The worst thing you can do in a relationship is play games. Don’t tease your partner; don’t “reward” good deeds with love and affection. You have to make sure your partner always feels loved. You can be happy with them or be mad at them- it doesn’t matter- they just need to feel loved. They need to know your feelings in the moment as well, don’t get me wrong. But make sure you’re showing your feelings in a way so they won’t be misunderstood.

The Best Thing In Relationship Is Never Expecting Anything Back In Return-Don’t expect your partner to read your mind, or to bring you breakfast in bed, or to offer to wash the dishes. It’s not going to happen. You can’t expect anything from anyone- You have to make your desires known. Communicate. Make sure your partner knows what you expect from the relationship, as well as your options for a wide variety of issues. This will help them act considerate towards you, But still- don’t expect anything back in return!!!!

So Then What Turn To Be A Bad Relation Than!!!!!

# Being Satisfied With Unsatisfactory Relationship,

# Negativity about love,

# Relation As Investment,

# Manipulation.

Being Satisfied With Unsatisfactory Relationship-In a recent research exploring women’s decisions about whether to stay in or to leave their relationships, the single most important determinant of women’s decisions to remain in their relationships was relationship satisfaction. How can we be satisfied with unsatisfactory relationships? Some individual, especially those with low self-esteem or those who perceive themselves to be less attractive, have low ”comparison levels”. Comparison level can be thought of as your ”standards,” or what you expect to receive from a relationship. Individuals with low comparison level, you may maintain a bad relationship because your low expectations are being met. Individuals with low self-esteem are more likely to become involved in a relationship which is of shorter duration, and they experience further declines in self Esteem when their relationship end.

Negativity about love-Psychologists distinguish among three different components of attitude; the cognitive components or thoughts, the effective component or feelings, and the behavioral component or actions. Frequently these components are not aligned with one another. For example, in the case of a bad relationship, your thoughts may be negative, telling you that your partner is not good for you, but your feelings may still be positive. We may continue to love our partners, even though we consciously recognize that we are involved in bad relationships. It is also possible that strong positive and negative feelings toward a partner my co-exist.

Relation As Investment-Other major obstacles to leaving a bad relationship includes our shared investments with our partners. Investing a lot of time in a relationship or sharing investment, such as a home or children, makes couples more likely to stay together.When we have already invested a lot of time, effort or resources in a relationship, many of us continue that investment even when it may not be best for us; we are biased toward continuing unhappy relationships once we have invested in them. When making relationship decisions, we often rely on emotions rather than rational deliberation which leads to staying in the bad relationship.

Manipulation In Relationships:-If your partner is aware that you want to leave the relationship, he or she may use different methods of manipulation to force you to stay. Emotional manipulation, such as belittling, demanding, or even threats of violence against future alternative partners, may be used to maintain the current relationship. Men with lower self- esteem, as well as men who are less physically attractive than their partners, may be more likely to use manipulation to prevent their partners from leaving their relationships. The distress associated with emotional abuse or the physical implications of intimate partner violence are strong deterrents to those seeking to leave a relationship.

So, What is the difference between our need and desires in ”Relationships”?

Our need reflects our humanity and is common to all of us.

Some needs we literally cannot live without, like air, water, and food. Some are most important for our emotional well-beings like acceptance and love, some our spirituals well-beings like the need for space and inspiration. Whatever the need without it our quality of life would be significantly worse off. The value we place on different needs make us unique but the underlying need for them is universal.

Our Desires Reflects Our Individual Uniqueness.

They are what we choose in our lives that say’ this is who we are. ‘ Our Desires are things we can survive without yet they are important aspects of how we experience, express and create our reality. The list of potential desires is as endless and varied as is the human race. Our Desires come in two different forms, desires that serve simply ourselves and desires that serve ourselves whilst benefitting others and the world around us.

Our Needs And Desires Are The Place In Relationship Where We Find Both Challange And Opportunity.

It’s not our partner’s obligation to fulfill our needs and desires, or ours to fulfill our partner’s. We commit to being together and supporting each other in whatever way we can, this is what builds love. Sharin each other’s desires brings creativity, aliveness, and growth.