”Things I Learned From My Mother – Be Yourself”

“Pain changes your life forever. But so does healing from it.” 

The hell of watching someone die isn’t just the actual dying part. It’s the years, months, weeks and days leading up to it.

It’s the pain of watching day by day the most important person in your life slip further and further away from you while there is nothing you can do to stop it.

You don’t lose this person in one moment. You lose them gradually throughout the whole time they are sick. As time goes on, they become less and less the person that they were before this illness took over.

I don’t know how to find even slightly pleasant words to describe what watching a parent die feels like. I don’t know how to even try to explain it without curse words and screaming.

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It’s absolutely terrifying. It’s gut-wrenching. It sends you through a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. You don’t even know who you are anymore. It takes over your life.

 

When You Grieve the Loss of Your Mom …

What I learned was my mom taught me everything by example. I became the confident, independent man I am from watching my mom. She set the precedent.

My mom taught me that I could be anything I wanted to be. She wanted me to succeed in everything I tried. She made it known that things were different when she was a young girl. She didn’t have all of the opportunities I had. It was important to her that I took full advantage of all that life had to offer me.

I learned so much from my mom. But the greatest things she ever taught me was to live. To follow my dreams. To be happy. And I am all of these things today because of her.

My mom’s most valuable life lessons were taught to me when she was dying. When you’re saying goodbye to your mom, it doesn’t matter who you are, how old you are, or how much money you have. It just sucks. But even through death, my mom continues to teach me new things.

Having to say goodbye to my mom was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There are no words, yet you have to say something. I don’t even remember what I said. And now, it just doesn’t matter. Because now I realize that nothing had to be said.

My mom was diagnosed with kidney failure when she was forty-one years old. Now that I am twenty-six, I realize how young forty-one is. Every day I think, a little over fifteen years from now and I’ll be the age my mom was when she was given a death sentence. It scares the hell out of me.

I am also haunted by the fact of how hard it must have been on my mom. She knew she was going to die. She knew she was leaving the love of her life behind and abandoning her three kids.  I know that has to be what it feels like to say goodbye to your kids. No matter how old they are.

I remember going to the hospital and the nurse pulling us aside to tell us our mom was crying all night. I was shocked. I don’t know why. I just never stopped to think that my mom was scared. She was always my rock. She took care of all of us, always. She never felt sorry for herself and she was always so strong.

Knowing my mom had kidney-failure was one thing. Knowing my mom was scared was quite another.

My mom lingered on for many months. She was seen by many specialists at many hospitals. For a while there, we had hope. But then a last-ditch-effort trip to another world renown hospital would end all the hope and speculation. Now the goal would be to make her comfortable. To pray for peace.

Hospice came and set up shop in our family room. This was our new reality. We had visitors in and out every single day. Our lives were shattering, yet the outside world kept spinning.

Thankfully my mom didn’t suffer long. The end came fast. So fast we couldn’t all be there.  My cousins woke me up and said to come home by next flight. A nurse was taking my mom’s pulse and said it would be soon. Sometime in the next few hours, was her guess.

My mom died an hour later. With just my dad and my brother there. I’m pretty sure I didn’t even know what was happening. I sat next to her for a while after she was gone. Staring at her. Willing for her to wake up. She didn’t.

A few minutes later, her friends arrived. My dad met them on the front porch as I stayed with my mom. I could hear them wailing. It was unbearable. They came inside and said their goodbyes.

My uncle and brothers made it home soon thereafter. My brothers were heartbroken that they were not there when our mom died. I was haunted that I had been there. It turns out our final good-byes did not matter. It was the life we had all shared together that did. And that could never be taken away from us.

 

Now we had to face the cruel reality that life, does indeed, go on. Without our mom. Like it or not. But we had each other and everything that our mom had instilled in us. And that’s how life went on. And continues to go on. Every damn day.

Saying goodbye is never easy. But it’s impossible to say goodbye to someone who is always going to be part of you.

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”Beauty Is Always In The Eye Of The Beholder”

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”Beauty is when you can appreciate yourself. When you love yourself, that’s when you’re most beautiful.”
Zoe Kravitz
Go and tell yourself that you are beautiful. And that your life is so worth living. 
Take a fair look in the mirror. Just have a look at you for a little while. Look at you as if you
were another person. Just someone you never knew. And then go tell yourself in every honesty,
that you are lovely even when you’re blue. Just go and tell yourself that you are quite ok.
And please repeat these words in every single way.
Go and tell yourself that you are beautiful.
Every minute, every hour, and every brand-new day. Please have look at you,
you as a person are ok. With all the pros and cons you’ll see.
And if you’ll fail, just do not care, and start another day.
Just take it to step by step,
by repeating it as many times as you can say. Again, again and just again. 
So many times, each day, Until the final wake-up call
that makes you finally see, ‘I am the best one in the world. At least I am, to me’

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Why do we want to be perfect? What is it, perfection? Is it a beauty? Is it having a very balanced personality, without any negative emotion like anger or sadness? Like horrific things never will occur in one’s life? Would that be perfect?

Can we please just agree that beauty is a state of mind what has nothing in common with the outer appearance of someone or something. Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder. And the physical beauty itself will fade away as life goes on. When someone gets older, the inner beauty will become more and more visible. Beauty really has nothing to do with our physical appearance, but everything about the way we live and the way we maintain our relationships with the world around us.

Beauty has nothing to do with a required reaction to something nasty in your life. Your emotions are real and you have every reason to respect them and to feel them. And you have every reason to be respected in every way.  Repeat that you are beautiful until you are feeling better.

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I just want to support all people who are struggling with their bodies, struggling with their self-acceptance and self-esteem, and who are still believing the ridiculous demands of today’s society.

Just believe that only one thing is true: you are ok! And you deserve to feel beautiful. Because you are.

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“I’m Beautiful”

You are beautiful because beauty comes from within. You’re beautiful regardless of what everyone else thinks of you because it only matters what you think of yourself. You’re beautiful because you are made out of stardust and there’s nothing more beautiful than that. You’re beautiful because everything about you is beautiful its self. Your smile lights up the world, your kind heart
makes the world a better place and your mind is limitless.

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“I’m Intelligent”

You are smart because you know what truly matters in life. You are bright because you’re hopeful. You are sharp because you know when to draw the line. You are wise because you learn from your mistakes, you are always improving yourself. You take responsibility for your own actions and you are brave enough to apologize when you are wrong. You are intelligent
because you pick your battles. You are intelligent because you treat everyone as your equal.

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 “I’m Powerful”

You are stronger than you think you are. You grew up at a young age and that made you the person you are today. You know your worth and no one can take that away from you. And you fight for what you deserve, your standards and your dreams. You are powerful because you understand that real power relies on love and kindness, not in hate and violence. You are powerful because you use your voice softly. You are powerful because you know who you are and you know what you need to do so you can get where you want. You are powerful because you are unstoppable. And you are powerful because you don’t need anyone.

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“I’m Enough”

You are enough just the way you are. You don’t need to change who you are to please others. You don’t need to speak less so someone can like you more. You don’t need to change your interests or dreams to match someone else’s. The right people in life will not try to change you. They will love you for who you are and they will accept you with your flaws, imperfections, and shortcomings. You don’t need to alter your beliefs and lifestyle so you can be someone’s right match. You need to own who you are. And you need to always choose self-improvement because although you are enough, you are work in progress.

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“I’m Loved”

Whether you believe it or not, you are loved. Your parents love you even if they are not that good at showing it. Your friends adore you although sometimes you feel like they are critical of you or hard on you. But, they are like that because of how much they love you and how much they want you to succeed. Your partner loves you even if they don’t tell you or show you enough. Your coworkers enjoy your company and think that you are invaluable. Look around, because love is all around you.

It doesn’t make sense to call ourselves ugly because we don’t really see ourselves.

We don’t watch ourselves sleeping in bed, curled up and silent with chests rising and falling with our own rhythm.

We don’t see ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing.

You don’t see yourself looking at someone with love and care inside of your heart.

There’s no mirror in your way when you’re laughing and smiling and happiness is leaking out of you.

You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in the moments where you are truly yourself.

”Sometimes We Screw Things Up When Life Is Good”

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”Maybe it’s a little depressing to think that my vision of a perfect world is actually so messed up, but I think it means that I don’t really understand what ‘perfect’ is.”

Feeling like a total mess-up in life? Become kinder to yourself by relaxing your rigid pass/fail mindset.

Today, I want to talk to you about what you should do when you feel like you are an utter, utter screw-up in life and steps you can take to help make yourself feel a bit better, that you don’t feel like as much of a mess-up and you get a bit more realistic about yourself.

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That got your attention, didn’t it?

And what is the number one way that people screw up life? By taking it for granted. Assuming there will be time to fix things, find the right person, make the changes you should and be happy… later.

Think about the last time you lost someone close to you. It could be that they passed away, maybe it was a friendship that suddenly went south, or possibly a relationship that ended abruptly.

If you’d have known that it was the last hug, kiss or conversation, would you have made more of an effort? Would you have listened deeply, while appreciating the sound of their voice? Would you have given them a real kiss, not just the hurried, routine version? Would you have said “I love you” with every fiber of your being?

We never know when our last moments, kisses and conversations with the ones we love are going to be. Yet we choose to ignore this truth and take the people and things in our lives for granted.

We put them off, prioritize other things that aren’t actually more important… and we certainly don’t show up in each moment with those people and things (jobs, experiences, life) with the attention, present-minded focus and care that we should.

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We’re All Human: –And that means that this is a natural state of being. We fear death, goodbyes, and loss… so we don’t keep that a top of our mind. We assume that it will be down the road, we’ll deal with it then. We’ll get better and more focused later. It’s okay to put these things off for just a bit longer because there’s always the weekend. Except that sometimes there’s not.

Sometimes tomorrow really never comes and life really does change in an instant.

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Live With a Sense of Urgency:- Choose to be more than “just human” and live with a heightened sense of urgency. Not in the sense that “there aren’t enough hours in the day” or that you have way too many things on your to-do list. You probably do, but that’s not my point…

My point is that there’s value in living your life constantly aware of and accepting the fact that one day, it will end. Whether that’s a breakup, loss of life or time running out… all things must come to an end. Don’t allow yourself to be one of those people that kicks themselves for having wasting precious moments. Rise above the human condition…

Do better. Love deeper. Experience more. Be present.

Say I love you like you really, truly mean it.

We throw around “I love you” in relationships like we say hello and goodbye. We just do it because we should. Sure, we love them… but do we take that pause before speaking to really feel and express it? No. We just pop the words out with a standard kiss on the way out the door.

We aren’t present in those moments. We don’t give them the love they deserve. We don’t give ourselves the love that we deserve. And this goes for more interactions than just the “I love you’s” that you’re throwing around mindlessly.

Do better. Love deeper.

Make real memories with the ones you love.

Life is busy and sometimes it’s hard to make time for the important things. The anniversaries, the birthdays… the seemingly unimportant moments of moving into a new home together or that first big promotion at work. We say that we’ll celebrate later or assume that it’s not a priority. But what will you have when you look back at your time here? A lot of missed opportunities to experience life to its fullest?

Make life a celebration. We’re only here once, that we’ll know of, so live it like you mean it! Live it fully. Show up to each moment, truly experience it and create real memories.

Don’t just go to the park, have a picnic. Make it a full day, take pictures and be present for it. Work and expectations will be there when you get back either way, better to leave them behind and really show up in the moments that count.

Never, ever settle for less than you want or deserve.

Even if you get to live a long one, life is short. Time flies. Everyone says it and you know it’s true. Why waste it with people, jobs or things that are less than you deserve? Less than you want?

If you want a love that is deep, passionate and life-altering, then don’t spend another minute with someone that you don’t connect with deeply. If you want a job that allows you to do great things, leave your mark and feel fulfilled at the end of each day, don’t settle for any old job that will cover the bills.

Don’t stay with people or in a job because you feel like it’s the best you’ll get… or that “it’ll do.” You can do better if you feel like “it’ll do.” You can have extraordinary, passionate, deep, mind-blowing, colorful, lively, exciting, romantic and so much more. You just have to stop settling.

If you feel the slightest twinge of “meh” or “that’ll do,” run in the opposite direction. You can waste years of your life at the wrong job, with the wrong person or in the wrong city.

I’m not saying you have to make huge, life-altering changes right this minute. But change things. Put the plans into place to move your life from “it’ll do” to extraordinary. You deserve it.

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Just Be You:- Don’t waste time trying to fit in, live up to your family’s expectations or be the perfect [fill in the blank]. Just be you. Be messy, moody, opinionated, passionate, eccentric, wild and picky. Don’t eat what you don’t like, don’t go to movies you hate, don’t do things just because everyone else wants to.

Don’t give a single thought to what other people think of you. It doesn’t mean be insensitive, destructive or mean, it means stop caring if everyone likes you. Stop worrying that you’re embarrassing your mother or that the others will think you’re lame. It’s who you are. They can take it or leave it.

There’s no sense in wasting time pretending to be someone you’re not so that you’ll fit in with the people you don’t belong with. Life is short, spend it with people who love and appreciate the real you.

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Take Action Now! :-You deserve better. You deserve a life that has deep connections, meaning, memories, love, and happiness. Take a moment to assess your life…

Where are you not showing up? Where can you do better and stop taking people and things for granted? Where you can you be more fully yourself?

If you only had a year to live, how would you want to spend it? When you have that answer, share with me one step you’re going to take this week to make that dream a reality.

”Softening The Heart & Let Go Of Anger”

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”For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Anger is complex, isn’t it?  You want a peaceful world, but you don’t always feel peaceful inside. Sometimes your anger burns so strongly that you explode, and then find you’ve made matters worse.  Other times, you try to restrain your fury. But what happens when you bury displeasure inside of yourself, especially if you do so consistently? It shows that anger, when overly expressed or suppressed on a regular basis, can damage your physical or emotional health.

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What I Know About Anger:-

I’m not an angry person.  But right now, I’m dealing with exasperating circumstances in my life that make me boil at times.  I confess I haven’t been a perfect angel.  I’ve vented a time or two.  But I also see these provocations as a chance to learn how to walk through the fire without getting burned.

Given these provocative times, I want to update what I understand about anger and how to work with it without making things worse.

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How is anger for you?

I come from a spiritual tradition that strongly opposes anger.  It’s said, if you indulge in anger for any amount of time, without making reparations, you’ll go to the Buddhist version of hell.  And, a moment of fury can wipe out eons — yes, eons folks — of good karma.

The philosophers of the world offer a similar message about anger.  For example,

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. – Mark Twain

Enough to make you shake in your boots, right? What’s a normal human being to do?

Let’s look at ways you can soften anger, without turning it against yourself or dumping it on someone else.

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A Complex Relationship with Anger:-

I have a complex relationship with anger.

It can be hard for me to get in touch with wrathful feelings towards those who have harmed me in unmentionable ways. I explain away the emotion using an intellectual understanding of compassion and don’t feel anybody sensations at all. So it sits in my physical form like a time bomb.

I can go for long periods of time without feeling much anger.  But when I’m triggered, an intense fume rises up, seemingly out of nowhere. Although I get over small things quickly, big ones can last for days.  My mind argues my case in an unceasing monologue.  Until it’s done, and then it’s done.

I fracture easily, so other peoples’ aggression feels enormous to me. As a result, I feel averse to conflict.  But, ironically, when I feel on fire, I can be the very person that stirs the pot.

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Here a few helpful things to try:

 

Deal with your past:-
Many people are hesitant to deal with past wounds, especially those that happened in childhood because they fear to dwell on the past or developing a victim mentality. But dealing with the past is not dwelling in the past. In fact, it’s only by addressing the difficult things you’ve experienced that you can truly move past them. Find a trustworthy mentor or seek a counselor who can help you work through and heal from the things that are fueling ongoing anger.

Open up:-
Developing a sense of connection with trusted individuals is crucial to maintaining mental health. Invest in a community of people who you can be open and honest with. Simply expressing the fears and frustrations you’re experiencing to persons you trust will help you gain perspective, gain insights, and learn new ways to gain control over your emotions.

Quit festering:-
Do you find yourself reliving events and wishing you would have said or done something different? Do you find yourself getting angry all over again about something that doesn’t really matter? These kinds of thought patterns create a breeding ground for anger problems to develop. Not only do these negative thought patterns lead to angry outbursts, they also can cause debilitating anxiety and depression over time.

Take a deep breath:-
Though it may take practice, you can learn to process a situation fully before responding to someone in anger. As you give yourself time to cool off, you may find the circumstance does not warrant the anger-infused response you initially imagined giving. By giving ourselves time to process, we may see that our present circumstances are not nearly as threatening (or require the level of anger) as they seemed in the moment.

Get your beauty rest:-
A very effective way to become irritable is to skip out on sleep. Even just cutting corners—an hour here and an hour there—can tremendously affect the chemical balance that allows us to keep a healthy perspective, temper our emotional responses, and maintain self-control. It’s worth coming home early from a night out or waiting until the weekend to catch up on your favorite show. Make sleep a priority and you’ll quickly gain more control over your emotions—anger and others.

Eat all the greens:-
For some, a simple change in diet can alleviate a remarkable amount of stress due to chemical imbalances in the body. If you’ve been regularly snacking on highly processed foods or grabbing fast food dinners on the run, this could be a contributor to your bad moods. Consider speaking with a licensed nutritionist about the symptoms you’re experiencing, and work to develop a healthy food plan that will help you maintain a better biochemical balance.

Take it out on the weights:-
Exercise is a very effective way to release pent-up anger and aggression. Not only does it help you maintain a healthy chemical balance (hello endorphins!) it also boosts self-confidence and alleviates stress. If weightlifting isn’t your thing, try a yoga class or walk around your neighborhood (try for 10,000 steps a day, which is 5 miles and puts you firmly into the “active” category). No matter what type of exercise you choose, if you commit to sweating it out for at least 30 minutes daily, you may quickly find you have a more positive outlook on life.

Hit the Library:-
One of the most effective ways to gain control of your life is simply learning how to manage anger. This article is a good start for sure, but continue to educate yourself on the signs and symptoms of toxic anger and study the stories of others who have learned to overcome it. When it comes to mental health, understanding the thought-patterns and emotions involved is half the battle. If you can’t make it to a library, there are countless resources available online. Pour yourself some coffee and dig in.

 

Practice Mindfulness:-
Gaining control of your thoughts is never easy at first. It takes time and effort, and practicing mindfulness is a great way to do it. Meditate, do yoga, go for a walk and take in the beauty around you, or simply find a quiet place to reflect on the “automatic thoughts” about yourself and others you’ve been having that you haven’t even noticed. After that, try to get out of your own head for a while—let your thoughts wash over you without making any judgments about them. By learning to be present at the moment, you’ll gain more control over your thoughts and emotions.

The good news is if you’re struggling with anger—, you are not alone. Millions are working right alongside you to get their anger under control. They can succeed, and you can too.

If you’re experiencing reoccurring anger problems and you’re not quite sure what’s driving them, talk to someone today who can help you begin to make sense of it all, and who can help you regain control of your thoughts, emotions, and life.

“When You Love You Wish To Do Things For, You Wish To Sacrifice For”

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“Sacrificing your happiness for the happiness of the one you love is by far the truest type of love.” 
 Selfsacrifice is giving up something you want or something you desire for the greater good or to help others. Sacrifices are typically called for when values conflict—two valuable things cannot both be had and one must be given up for the sake of the other.

For something to count as a case of self-sacrifice:

  • what is sacrificed must constitute, benefit, or matter to the self in some stronger sense than that for the sake of whom/which it is sacrificed; and,
  • the sacrifice must be made for the sake of someone or something else.

There is some intentional ambiguity in this definition, because ‘constitute,’ ‘benefit,’ and ‘matter to’ are three different possibilities. Something can be said to constitute someone if it is their self or is part of what is their self. A sacrifice is of something that constitutes the self if someone sacrifices their life, or, for instance, their memory, their limbs or organs, their dignity, their identity, their integrity, or their basic capacities. Something benefits someone if it is something that is in their narrowly understood self-interest to have or keep. For instance, someone who gives up an opportunity for a job interview, or their resources, or their physical comfort, is ordinarily understood to be sacrificing something beneficial to them as an individual. Something matters to someone if it is something that is important to them, something that they care about, that they value, or love, or are committed to. If people can have an obligation to make a certain self-sacrifice, they might be obligated to sacrifice something that matters to them; they might even be obligated to sacrifice that which is more important to them than anything else.

Living for other people is also known as being a people pleaser. This is the art of dedicating all of your time and commitment to everyone around you, but you. The art of making sure that all are fine, but yourself. Society has influenced us, generous people, to condition us to think that the signs of people pleasing are inevitable because we are kind.
Just because you are a nice person does not mean you have to put everyone before yourself. Being selfish with your energy does not take away from being a kind person.
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 Sacrifice for someone you love:-
“A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.” Oscar Wilde
Love is full of compromises and sacrifices. The need for sacrifices and compromises is often mentioned in discussions of romantic relationships. … To sacrifice is to give up something precious in order to gain or maintain something, such as a valuable relationship or some other worthy cause.

The need for sacrifices and compromises as I said is often mentioned in discussions of romantic relationships. Are the two the same and if not, which of the two is most needed in romantic relationships?  Love is frequently described as involving sacrifices and resisting compromises. In reality, the situation is typically the opposite-relationships require fewer sacrifices and more compromises.

To compromise is to give up the pursuit of a better prospect in order not to risk an existing situation, even if it is perceived to be somewhat worse than the prospect that is relinquished. Although the prospect might be better and even considered feasible, the person decides not to pursue it.

The realm of sacrifice is in the actual realm; the realm of compromise is in the possible and imaginary realm. Sacrifice entails actual deeds and losses. One cannot sacrifice in one’s mind what one does not have in reality. Compromise typically entails inaction and possible losses, which are constantly reconsidered in our minds.

So, here are signs you live for everyone but yourself:

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You try so hard to make everyone around you happy:-

Your biggest worries are if you’ll offend or harm someone doing something that makes you happy and if you are currently doing right by everyone if your life. You constantly tiptoe around everyone you love because you don’t want to do anything to make them not love you or love you less.

The most weight you carry comes from the burden of trying to please everyone around you but yourself. You are not doing most of the things that would make you happy because friends or family members have expressed their feelings about it. You are scared you’ll lose people if you start to focus on yourself. You are scared that if you do something that you have always wanted to do, you won’t be loved.

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You get so upset if you aren’t able to make someone happy:-

Not like “upset” but you really can’t let the fact that you might’ve hurt someone goes. Now you are having to go out of your way to remind them that you aren’t a bad person and you hope they can forgive you. There is nothing more disappointing than feeling like you’ve unintentionally hurt someone. You somehow find the ability to blame yourself but you forget that their happiness is out of your control.

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You say sorry for literally everything:-

Apologizing for everything, even for saying sorry so much, is probably your biggest downfall. In actuality, your apologetic comments are telling others that you are sorry for being who you are. You say sorry so much because you don’t know any other way that could show them how you feel about yourself without making the situation uncomfortable.

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Your decisions revolve around everyone but you:-

This is a bit more obvious, but it still happens all the time. You stop doing, saying, or feeling certain ways around the people you love because they have brought it to your attention that it makes them uncomfortable. You cancel plans to fit in other people’s schedules into yours.

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You always feel like a terrible person for saying “no”:-

And here it is. The one word that you are most afraid to say because again, you want everyone but yourself to be happy.

You don’t want to leave your room but your friend asked you to go out to dinner and you can’t say no. You love to grocery shop alone but your roommate asks if she/he can come with and you can’t say no. You want to study in the library alone but your friend wants to be with you studying and you can’t say no.

Although you can’t say no, you sacrifice the wanting to be comfortable and at ease for the benefit of others. Saying no would have made you happy and would have felt much better but because you sacrifice your happiness for others, you just can’t say it.

None of these 5 things will ever take away from you being a generous person. It is the time that you stop living for others and start living for yourself. Stop apologizing for being who you are, for being honest, and for being vulnerable.

You are who you are, and the only thing that should make you worry about that is the people you keep in your life that make you feel like you have to apologize for who you are. At some point, you are going to have to realize that it’s easier to make yourself happy rather than everyone around you.

“An Individual Develops Courage By Doing Courageous Acts”

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“An individual develops courage by doing courageous acts” — Aristotle

Fear is your brain’s pre-programmed response to something scary.  It is completely natural for a spooky thought or image to be imprinted in your head, and make it hard for you to sleep. Small amounts of fear are positive for your health, but when it takes over it can interfere with your peace and happiness. Whether you’re afraid because of a movie, a natural disaster, or even spiders, there are ways of coping.

”Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”

Mark Twain

The magic happens outside your comfort zone! Well-meaning … is fraught. So what’s the scientific case to be made for doing things that scare you? … “My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get … You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me.

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I begin writing this post, and then stop. I return to it the next day, only to freeze up again so that I can watch Netflix or get some ice cream or even better to do something “productive” like clean my house or catch up on sleep or read some bullshit book about how if you just think happy thoughts and watch Teletubbies your fear will go away.

I’m engaging in a dance of stupidity, but I feel that I can’t help myself. Why? Because I’m scared. I’m scared because I’ve had a mammoth amount of psychological, cultural and environmental conditioning. I spent my first few decades agonizing over what people thought of me and living a recipe comprised of one part action, five parts hiding, so it’s not hard to see how I ended up giving years of my life to everything except what was most important to me, wondering what I was doing with my life.

I was relinquishing my power repeatedly, day by day, and it felt like there was nothing I could do about it.

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I had some great “help” with this growing up. Some of my earliest memories involve being ostracized for living with a disability, wanting to die in the wake of devastating seizures, and fighting periods of debilitating depression.

As a kid, I was too afraid to do anything about it. On the surface, I appeared to be fine, but internally I was a time bomb. My life became a cataclysm of shame. I had periodic successes—moments of authenticity —but I did all I could to hide that from the world. I gave a fuck about everything I didn’t need to give a fuck about and not nearly enough of a fuck about what really mattered.

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But not now. I no longer really give a shit about what people think of me, most of the time. But here’s the kicker: I’m not in a position to say this because I’m strong, I can say this with confidence because I’m weak, and I know I’m weak.

Many people ask me how I’ve managed to create a meaningful, “successful” life, despite my losses and the daily physical and neurological challenges I face. My responses are decidedly unsexy: I’ve found power in my vulnerability, strength in my weaknesses, and resilience in my trials. I’ve forced myself to become disciplined and focused, through thousands of hours of tedious, hair-splitting practice, and by intentionally putting myself in uncomfortable, constraining environments. 

I speak to people about their struggles all the time, and the most common thread that binds most people’s adversities together is fear: fear of being judged, fear of failing, fear of abandonment, and on and on.

 

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One of my biggest issues with the personal development space is that the vast majority of responses to questions surrounding fear are grounded in mindless platitudes. People are told that if they just take responsibility for their fear or tell themselves how awesome they are every morning or follow so-and-so’s seven steps to confidence, their lives will be transformed and they’ll conquer fear forever.

Bullshit. We’ll never conquer fear. It’s literally hardwired into our brains and serves a very important evolutionary purpose. Unfortunately, we also happen to live in an age of rampant loneliness and individualism, which exacerbates the usage of our favorite cocktail of idiocy: platitudes. In so doing, we pathologize fear in a way that’s not entirely dissimilar to how we pathologize grief.

We’re happy to acknowledge people’s fears when they seem to “beat” them, but when people are paralyzed by fear we’re much quicker to ridicule and marginalize them; treating them as if there’s something wrong with their fears. This creates an ethos of humiliation, which is passed down from generation to generation in a cycle of shameful insanity.

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This ethos is horrific because it essentially says if you can’t beat your fears, you’re a loser, a coward, or a weakling. You’re not entitled to people’s respect, so piss off. This isn’t just cruel, it’s ridiculous. Why? Because our abandonment of the fearful only exacerbates the fear. And since we’re all afraid, it’s no wonder we’re all beginning every year “resolving” to move beyond our terrors only to come to the end of the year and find that we’re just as scared as we were 12 months prior. I’m not very prescriptive in my writings, because I’d much rather challenge you to think and come to your own conclusions, and the reality is that there aren’t any clear-cut answers to these types of questions.

This is ultimately what leads to our killing our fears. The caveat is that we’ll be killing them for the rest of our lives. And the only way to do that is via action in the face of fear. After all, what is courage if not the decision to take meaningful action when fear is smiling at you?  They’re simple, but not easy, so if you want these to have any real effect on your life, you actually have to do them. I’ve radically transformed my life, and I return to them regularly.

”Love of My Life”

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”Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.” Oscar Wilde

Our first and last love is self-love. The advantage of love, at first sight, is that it delays the second sight. No, there’s nothing half so sweet in life as love’s young dream. Like an old photograph, time can make a feeling fade, but the memory of a first love never fades away.

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Why is your first love so special?

It’s the first time she smiles at you, the first time he picks you up for a date, the first time they kiss you, taking your face into their hands and pulling you in. It’s the first time you realize that you can feel this way about another person, that love the way they describe in books, on TV, and in movies is real and it’s amazing. It’s the first time you realize that another person can feel the same way about you as you do them. It’s the first time you let yourself become truly comfortable with someone else, the first time your guard comes down completely and the first time you let someone see who you are in all your entirety. It’s the first time you snort in front of them without turning bright red, the first time you feel unashamed of your body, the first time you let someone truly, completely love you.

It’s the first time you kiss someone while crying harder than you ever have before, harder than you ever knew you could. It’s the first time you realize that it’s not possible to run out of tears. It’s the first time you realize that the person who can make you the happiest is also the person who can bring you the most agony.

First love — it’s the first time you hold the bow, and let someone else pull back the arrow aimed at your chest. First love is trusting them not to let go, trusting them to protect your heart.

First love is never thinking or expecting, them to let go.

It’s called your first love because it’s also the first time you feel what happens when it’s over. It’s the first time you’ll feel as though a fist ripped through your chest and gripped your heart, pulling it out. It’s the first time you’ll cry so hard over another person, you can’t breathe. It’s the first time you’ll feel completely helpless, like a baby deer that hasn’t quite learned to walk on its own yet. It’s the first time you’ll feel like you’re reaching out to grab something, then realizing it’s smoke, and it disappears between your fingers. 

It’s the first time you blame yourself for something that perhaps wasn’t even your fault — maybe it was, but you’ll never know for sure — and it’s also the first time you’re entirely responsible for the way you feel.
It’s the first time you put yourself at fault for loving too much. You blame yourself for throwing yourself completely into the relationship, for letting yourself become absorbed into them, for thinking your first love was going to be your last love. It’s the first time you give more than you have to make another person happy, but at the time it was okay, or so you thought, because their happiness was your happiness and in assuming you’d be together forever, you believed that as long as you kept them happy, you’d be happy. This is the first time you blame yourself for caring too much and, in doing so, losing yourself.

One of the core reasons why first love is hard to forget is because it is pure and innocent. … This blissful feeling of first love can never be replicated because once innocence is lost on a personal level, it can never be translated in its purest form in another relationship. This is what makes it so special.
It’s the first time you realize that another person can feel the same way about you as you do them. … it’s also the first time you feel what happens when it’s over. It’s the first time you’ll feel as though a fist ripped through your chest and gripped your heart, pulling it out.
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Why is it so hard to forget my first love?

First love is special because it is the most innocent and pure form of love. No matter how hard you try, you will never stop missing your first love. Boy and girl in a first love relationship will forever remember the hugs, cuddles, holding hands, sweet whispers, late night conversations and the romantic strolls. The beautiful memories of this once in a lifetime experience will linger in your heart and mind after your breakup, for the rest of your life.

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What does it mean to have your first love?

Your first love would be someone that you felt true love with, doesn’t necessarily have to be your first bf/gf, just someone you think you have a real connection. It consists of the feeling of depth when having the simplest of conversations.

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The Truth: You Never Stop Loving Your First Love:-

And then I went on talking about how she didn’t love me because if you love someoneyou don’t give up on them so easily, and so many times for that matter. But either way, it made sense. You really never do stop loving your first – and for me, I naturally love hard. … I loved her.

The reason first love stories are so compelling to read is that there is something so powerful about a young love experience. Is it because it happens when our hearts are still innocent and pure — before that first inevitable heartbreak? Or is it because once that huge flame dies out, a few warm embers remain to keep the memory aglow?

It’s true, too, that we tend to get even more sentimental as we age, especially about memories of long ago. An unfinished love keeps some allure for many years.

Whatever keeps those tender feelings in play, some long to have that feeling again as evidenced by those who go in search of that first love. With social media around now, it is not difficult to do.

Although we did not end up together, we are still in touch as friends. It is the kind of sentimental friendship you would feel for a best friend from way back when. So many shared experiences make for great fun in reminiscing.

The only thing truly unique about my own story is that I found a soul mate so young — a romanticist like me and a renaissance girl in the middle of a large urban high school in a working-class neighborhood.

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But First love hurts:-

When first love ends, you wonder if you even knew what love even was. You wonder if what you had was real or if you felt that way (or if they felt that way) because that’s what the movies told you to feel. When first love ends, you are left feeling lost and alone, sad and confused, and absolutely hopeless.

When first love ends, it leaves you second-guessing yourself, your self-worth, who you even are. When first love ends, you realize that there’s now a hole in your heart, an absence, space, something missing. You acknowledge that you’ll adjust, that your heart will shrink back, even though you don’t feel like it will. But when it does shrink back, it will always be a little loose where your first love used to be. There will be scars, and they won’t go away.

When first love ends, you feel like you’re drowning, desperately gasping for air, reaching for help, but the hand you’ve trusted for so long is the one pressing you down, keeping you under.

But first love is not only love. It’s not the best love or the last love. First love is first, and it’s wonderful and amazing and new, but first is not synonymous with forever. And first is definitely not connected, whatsoever, to a final. It’s called your first love because it’s just that — your first. Not you are last.