”The Year We Fell Apart And That’s Okay”

falling_apart_by_borislava33-d8oyaf8

“Look for something positive each day, even if some days you have to look a little harder.” 

Not because I don’t think it will be (because, okay, it will be). But because that’s not helpful to you where you’re standing right now. That’s a thing we say to each other when we can’t find any other words.

It will be fine. It will be okay. Everything will work out.

These are all real and true statements that apply to you, no matter where you stand. I have enough trust and faith for the both of us that everything you and I are walking through at this moment, we’re both going to come out the other side wiser and happier than we ever thought possible.

But the truth is, those words don’t help. Instead, they usually cut us on a level we didn’t know pleasant words of comfort had the ability to cut.

Because even if it’s true that it will be okay… it’s not okay right now, and sometimes that’s all we can see and feel and hear. Sometimes that’s all we can register inside our weary bodies.

FullSizeRender

It’s not okay that someone you loved is no longer living and breathing and giving their gifts and presence to this world. It’s not okay that everything is falling apart around you, that your world is imploding more and more every moment of every day. It’s not okay that the bank accounts are at zero, or possibly into the negative, with no sign of relief. It’s not okay that someone was nasty or cruel to you in ways that shattered your heart. It’s not okay that you’re exhausted to the point you can’t make it through a single day without curling into a sobbing ball on your kitchen floor. It’s not okay that you’re swimming in failure or shame or a grief like you’ve never known.

Whatever it is for you… it’s not okay right now.

So we tell each other it will be okay… because we don’t know what else to say, and we don’t know how to climb into the sh*t with someone and just hold their hand while they cry or scream or rage it out.

I’m not going to tell you it’s going to be okay:-That everything is going to work out.
I’m not going to tell you it will be fine or to buck up.
That you’ve got this and you’ll see it soon.

Attrition-by-Pierre-Alain-D_3mmi-Design-700-690x690

Instead, I’m going to tell you that I see your pain:- I understand how much it sucks right now. How your heart is heavy and your spirit is weary. How it’s taking everything you have just to get through the day. I see you. I feel you. I love you. I know… I get it, I really do. And I also know exactly how much willpower it takes to not punch someone in the face for telling you it will be okay. Especially when it feels like “being okay” is completely out of reach, no matter how hard you fight to find your footing and dig your way out of the darkness that’s nearly consuming you. I see your pain and I’m holding you in my heart with all the love I have to give. Because it’s okay that everything is not okay right now.

I’m going to tell you that you’re stronger than you know:-Because you are, my friend. You are powerful beyond measure whether you know it or not. You have a purpose and a contribution to this world that only you can make. I know it doesn’t feel like it when all you can do is find a way to get yourself out of bed each morning when the hours begin to weigh on your chest like a ton of bricks and breathing becomes more difficult the longer you’re forced to be awake and upright. But you’re doing it, love. It may not be at a rate or pace that you want, but you’re doing it. Just by getting out of bed and finding a way through the next moment that smacks you in the face. And you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.

falling_apart_by_gingy_ale-d62m7d6

I’m going to tell you that trust and faith go a long way:-I’ve never tried to pretend that trust and faith are easy. They’re not. Not even a little bit. But they are all we have when nothing is okay and everything is falling apart. They are all we have to make it through to what’s next. I say this from a place of walking through some seriously dark life chapters.

Chapters filled with depression that nearly killed me by my own hand, with being so broke that I owed the bank money and was being threatened with losing my house. Chapters that ripped someone from my life in the most abrupt and tragic way, and that have torn everything known and stable and secure from my hands. Somewhere along the lines, I found trust and faith, and I’ve never let go, regardless of the chaos around me. Trust and faith. It’s all we have, and they go a very long way when everything feels impossible.

I-fall-Apart_art

I’m going to tell you that you’re not alone:-Even though I know it feels that way like you’re the only person in the history of the world who has experienced this much loss and pain and struggle. Even the happiest and successful people have been through some sh*t, or are probably walking through their own storms right now.

You’re not alone. You do not have to do this alone. If ever there was a thing that lifted me out of the depths of grief, it was being reminded that I wasn’t alone. That I didn’t have to do this alone. You, my friend, are not alone.

I’m going to tell you that I love you:-Because I do. Because you’re here and you’re having a bad day. Because you’re human and that makes you beautiful and messy and all things lovable.

Advertisements

”Being A Warrior 🎯 And Getting Out From The Misconceptions Of Your Life!!”

Akodo_Nojima

”Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

Life is filled with little stressors that can bring us down. These come in all shapes and sizes, ranging from work and school to friends and family, but they can be absolutely anything. Occasionally, the stress comes at us from all angles all at once, and that’s when it starts to get a bit overwhelming.

The trick is not letting life’s little–or often times big–troubles get in the way of leading a happy and productive life.

Thankfully, there are tactics that can help you power through the hard times and actually end up feeling a lot stronger and more confident for next time. In moments of frustration, people will tell you to just brush it off, but of course, that’s easier said than done.

Samurai-Warrior-640x853

“Many people don’t push because they don’t want to feel pain or failure.”

There is a fundamental approach to life for those with a warrior mentality: Don’t get conditioned to accepting the status quo and do consistently seek the next level.

A warrior is a human being who accepts the call and walks the long, arduous path of becoming one’s full potential.

A warrior is a human being who questions all authority and all conventional wisdom that is spoken in the course of his life

A warrior is a human being who understands and explores all worldviews, all religions, all cultures, all histories and all legacies of WISDOM to understand fully what he is as a human being.

A warrior knows what he must contribute; he leaves generations to come with strong, universal, and life-affirming foundations.

A warrior is someone who explores the inner world and the external world, integrating both.

Agasha_Chiyo_-_Lindsey

A warrior is someone who focuses on “what” he is as a human being

A warrior takes an eternal perspective.

A warrior is someone who loves as fully as possible.

A warrior is someone who understands his needs and is fearless in telling others what they are, even at the risk of looking vulnerable.

A warrior knows when to let the silence speak.

steven-fangyucheng-painting-2015week4

A warrior is fearless in living.

A warrior knows his gifts and develops them throughout his life.

A warrior knows to suffer. A warrior is not afraid of suffering that expects it. A warrior learns from suffering. A warrior learns to be joy in both suffering and bliss.

A warrior knows love as both intimacy and rapture.

A warrior goes into darkness and light. A warrior is totally exposed.

A warrior aligns to virtues, values, and purpose, not human beings.

A warrior loves turbulence.

A warrior is a scholar of living; his body becomes an instrument of consciousness.

A warrior lives on the path of Mastery. Mastery is never attained and always unfolding.

Attractive-Colorful-Samurai-Warrior-Tattoo-Design-By-Kent-Floris

A warrior speaks his truth.

A warrior loves and lives in paradoxes, chaos, and conflict.

A warrior knows he cannot “save” another human being, only serve others and set the example through embodiment.

A warrior knows his short-comings, makes peace with his humanness, accepts and learns from his failures, and begs for the forgiveness of those he as pained, wronged, or let down.

A warrior always expresses his being. A warrior does not prove, a warrior simply is.

A warrior deals with loneliness, even though he’s never alone.

african_princess_by_dariojart-d5nwpgx

A warrior heals and expands the tenderness of his heart.

A warrior lives at risk, a warrior lives in uncertainty and a warrior lives in the mystery of what he is.

A warrior’s work is never done.

A warrior knows idleness weakens him, entertainment dims him, and good times can destroy him.

A warrior lets go of convention, of security, of safety.

A warrior goes into the abyss of truth. A warrior lives in faith. A warrior gives testament to Spirit.

Doji_Yasuyo

A warrior knows that he is creating, that essence created him, that he is spirit made manifest.

A warrior knows that each human being is the mystery, is the end, never the means.

A warrior knows that there is nothing more important than each human being’s experience of joy.

A warrior gives hope that all are called to live, awaken and become fearless on the path to the Divine Ground.

A warrior looks you in the eyes, sees your soul and gives you the courage to be what you are… the radiance of Love itself.

526195931-612x612

“A warrior is a hunter. He calculates everything. That’s control. Once his calculations are over, he acts. He lets go. That’s abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him; no one can make him do things against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions.” –Carlos Castaneda, The Wheel of Time

Here are 4 ways you can start living like a Warrior today:

path-honor-glory

  • Being honest with yourself:- You have to be really honest about what your motivations are. Not everyone wants to do good in the world. Some people want the title and the door. That’s okay. If you are not going to be on the front line of change and that’s all you want, then just make sure you do no harm. People who really want to push the limits are willing to go through the pain. Define pain for yourself. Determine whether the pain is emotional, intellectual, or physical. Break it down into small pieces. Then it’s not so scary. Understand why you’re resisting.
  • Being honest with others:-For people to put bold thinking forward, authenticity, honesty, and transparency have to come from the top. This is what allows ideas to bubble up. Fiefdoms and territorial behaviors come from fear. It starts at the top and trickles down.
  • Reward honesty:-Look at how you are rewarding people. Are you getting the results that you want? Are you being honest or encouraging others to be honest about the pros and cons of what you want.
  • Stay positive:- Saying negative things shut people down and prevent them from being bold. It constricts creativity. To become aware of your feedback, even with yourself.

”Life: The Force That Makes or Keeps Something Alive”

0604f066d55b26b1a0ab8dc2d8ae764a--double-helix-canvas-prints

“One who persists is a person of purpose.”

Life has a different definition in the eyes of different people. … For many life is all about love. For a few, life is all about religious practices. For a philosopher like Aristotle life is about happiness: “Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim, and end of human existence.”

We all yearn to know the deeper meaning of life. We all want something beyond what we know. We all want a connection with spirit&with the heart of the universe.

As I pondered what to write about” the deeper meaning of life,” I realized that I was trying to figure it out with my mind. I kept staring at the blank screen on my computer and couldn’t seem to come up with anything worth writing. When I over analyze and rack my brain to get answers I seldom find what I am searching for. So where lies the answers or should I ask what is the question?

I find that when I allow my spirit to guide me it leads me to the mystery behind the obvious.  “the imagination is capable of kindness that the mind often lacks because it works naturally from the world of between; it does not engage things in a cold, clear-cut way but always searches for the hidden worlds that wait at the edge of things.”

Some people seem to spend their whole lives dissatisfied, in search of a purpose. But all of us have everything we need for a meaningful existence.

People are mistaken when they feel their lives are meaningless. The error is based on their failure to recognize what does matter, instead of becoming overly focused on what they believe is missing from their existence.

The-Magic-of-the-Moonlight

The question of meaning:-

The 19th-century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, for example, said the question itself was meaningless because, in the midst of living, we’re in no position to discern whether our lives matter and stepping outside of the process of existence to answer is impossible.

Those who do think meaning can be discerned, however, fall into four groups,  writing in the Stanford Dictionary of Philosophy. Some are God-centered and believe only a deity can provide purpose. Others ascribe to a soul-centered view, thinking something of us must continue beyond our lives, in essence after physical existence, which gives life meaning. Then there are two camps of “naturalists” seeking meaning in a purely physical world as known by science, who fall into “subjectivist” and “objectivist” categories.

The two naturalist camps are split over whether the human mind makes meaning or these conditions are absolute and universal. Objectivists argue that there are absolute truths which have value, though they may not agree on what they are. For example, some say that creativity offers purpose, while others believe that virtue, or a moral life, confers meaning.

Subjectivists— If meaning happens through cognition, then it could come from any number of sources. “It seems to most in the field not only that creativity and morality are independent sources of meaning, but also that there are sources in addition to these two. For just a few examples, consider making an intellectual discovery, rearing children with love, playing music, and developing the superior athletic ability,”

For subjectivists, depending on who and where we are at any given point, the value of any given activity varies. Life is meaningful, they say, but its value is made by us in our minds, and subject to change over time. It is essentially a sense of worth which we may all derive in a different way—from relationships, creativity, an accomplishment in a given field, or generosity, among other possibilities.

 

Tomek_Biniek_Water_of_Life_L

Reframing your mindset:-

For those who feel purposeless, “A meaningful life is one in which there is a sufficient number of aspects of sufficient value, and a meaningless life is one in which there is not a sufficient number of aspects of sufficient value.”

Basically, here meaning is like an equation—add or subtract value variables, and you get more or less meaning. So, say you feel purposeless because you’re not as accomplished in your profession as you dreamed of being. You could theoretically derive meaning from other endeavors, like relationships, volunteer work, travel, or creative activities, to name just a few. It may also be that the things you already do really are meaningful and that you’re not valuing them sufficiently because you’re focused on a single factor for value.

It points to the example of existentialist psychologist Viktor Frankl, who survived imprisonment in Nazi concentration camps in World War II and went on to write a book, Man in Search of Meaning. Frankl’s purpose, his will to live despite imprisonment in the harshest conditions, came from his desire to write about the experience afterward. Frankl noted, too, that others who survived the camps had a specific purpose—they were determined to see their families after the war or to help other prisoners live, maintaining a sense of humanity.

So that anyone who believes life can be meaningless also assumes the importance of value. In other words, if you think life can be meaningless, then you believe that there is such a thing as value. You’re not neutral on the topic. As such, we can also increase or decrease the value of our lives with practice, effort, action, and thought. “I can ruin or build friendships, upgrade or downgrade my health, It would be surprising if in this particular sphere of value, the meaning of life, things were different from how they are in all the other spheres,”

For a life to be valuable, or meaningful, it needn’t be unique. Believing that specialness is tied to meaning is another mistake many people make, This misconception, he believes, “leads some people to unnecessarily seeing their lives as insufficiently meaningful and to miss ways of enhancing meaning in life.”

He notes too that things change all the time: We move, meet new people, have fresh experiences, encounter new ideas, and age. As we change, our values transform, and so does our sense of purpose, which we must continually work on.

levalet-street-art-1-960x613

 Because You Live life Matter:-

Surely there must be more to existence than simply assigning a value to what we already have and thinking differently if we fail to recognize purpose in our lives.

In fact, there are even less complex approaches to meaningfulness. In Philosophy Now, Tim Bale, a professor of politics at the Queen Mary University of London in the UK, provides an extremely simple answer: “The meaning of life is not being dead.”

While that may sound coy, many philosophers offer similar responses, although few as pithy. Philosopher Richard Taylor proposes that efforts and accomplishments aren’t what makes life matter, writing in the 1970 book Good and Evil“the day was sufficient to itself, and so was the life.” In other words, because we live, life matters.

It can be disconcerting, perhaps, to have such an easy answer. And detractors might argue that nothing can matter, given the immensity of the universe and the brevity of our lives. But this assumes our purpose is fixed, rigid and assigned externally, and not flexible or a product of the mind.

swirly

Our Question Is The Answer:-

There are other approaches, too. Now that the question of meaningfulness itself offers an answer. “What makes a human life have meaning or significance is not the mere living of a life, but reflecting on the living of a life,”

Pursuing ends and goals—fitness, family, financial success, academic accomplishment—is all fine and good, yet that’s not really meaningful,. Reflecting on why we pursue those goals is significant, however. By taking a reflective perspective, significance itself accrues. “This comes close to Socrates’ famous saying that the unexamined life is not worth living,“I would venture to say that the unexamined life has no meaning.”

7e239e090cce0c33bd9e46f8eba0a68c

Mystery Is Meaning:-

In the Eastern philosophical tradition, there’s yet another simple answer to the difficult question of life’s meaning—a response that can’t be articulated exactly but is sensed through deep observation of nature. The sixth-century Chinese sage Lao Tzu—who is said to have dictated the Tao Te Ching before escaping civilization for solitude in the mountains—believed the universe supplies our value.

Like Woodley, he would argue that goals are insignificant and that accomplishments are not what makes our lives matter. He suggests meaning comes from being a product of the world itself. No effort is necessary.

Instead of reflection, Lao Tzu proposes a deep understanding of the essence of existence, which is mysterious. We, like rivers and trees, are part of “the way,” which is made of everything and makes everything and cannot ever truly be known or spoken of. From this perspective, life isn’t comprehensible, but it is inherently meaningful—whatever position we occupy in society, however little or much we may do.

Life matters because we exist within and among living things, as part of an enduring and incomprehensible chain of existence. Sometimes life is brutal,, but the meaning is derived from perseverance. The Tao says, “One who persists is a person of purpose.”

”Sometimes We Screw Things Up When Life Is Good”

8F95D0BE-2961-4BF7-8C64-0412CF878402

”Maybe it’s a little depressing to think that my vision of a perfect world is actually so messed up, but I think it means that I don’t really understand what ‘perfect’ is.”

Feeling like a total mess-up in life? Become kinder to yourself by relaxing your rigid pass/fail mindset.

Today, I want to talk to you about what you should do when you feel like you are an utter, utter screw-up in life and steps you can take to help make yourself feel a bit better, that you don’t feel like as much of a mess-up and you get a bit more realistic about yourself.

Screen+Shot+2013-07-03+at+7.57.17+PM

That got your attention, didn’t it?

And what is the number one way that people screw up life? By taking it for granted. Assuming there will be time to fix things, find the right person, make the changes you should and be happy… later.

Think about the last time you lost someone close to you. It could be that they passed away, maybe it was a friendship that suddenly went south, or possibly a relationship that ended abruptly.

If you’d have known that it was the last hug, kiss or conversation, would you have made more of an effort? Would you have listened deeply, while appreciating the sound of their voice? Would you have given them a real kiss, not just the hurried, routine version? Would you have said “I love you” with every fiber of your being?

We never know when our last moments, kisses and conversations with the ones we love are going to be. Yet we choose to ignore this truth and take the people and things in our lives for granted.

We put them off, prioritize other things that aren’t actually more important… and we certainly don’t show up in each moment with those people and things (jobs, experiences, life) with the attention, present-minded focus and care that we should.

f3bbe12a-3031-452f-83e4-25a5fe068f18-1020x851

We’re All Human: –And that means that this is a natural state of being. We fear death, goodbyes, and loss… so we don’t keep that a top of our mind. We assume that it will be down the road, we’ll deal with it then. We’ll get better and more focused later. It’s okay to put these things off for just a bit longer because there’s always the weekend. Except that sometimes there’s not.

Sometimes tomorrow really never comes and life really does change in an instant.

anxiety_by_beethy-d576qa8

Live With a Sense of Urgency:- Choose to be more than “just human” and live with a heightened sense of urgency. Not in the sense that “there aren’t enough hours in the day” or that you have way too many things on your to-do list. You probably do, but that’s not my point…

My point is that there’s value in living your life constantly aware of and accepting the fact that one day, it will end. Whether that’s a breakup, loss of life or time running out… all things must come to an end. Don’t allow yourself to be one of those people that kicks themselves for having wasting precious moments. Rise above the human condition…

Do better. Love deeper. Experience more. Be present.

Say I love you like you really, truly mean it.

We throw around “I love you” in relationships like we say hello and goodbye. We just do it because we should. Sure, we love them… but do we take that pause before speaking to really feel and express it? No. We just pop the words out with a standard kiss on the way out the door.

We aren’t present in those moments. We don’t give them the love they deserve. We don’t give ourselves the love that we deserve. And this goes for more interactions than just the “I love you’s” that you’re throwing around mindlessly.

Do better. Love deeper.

Make real memories with the ones you love.

Life is busy and sometimes it’s hard to make time for the important things. The anniversaries, the birthdays… the seemingly unimportant moments of moving into a new home together or that first big promotion at work. We say that we’ll celebrate later or assume that it’s not a priority. But what will you have when you look back at your time here? A lot of missed opportunities to experience life to its fullest?

Make life a celebration. We’re only here once, that we’ll know of, so live it like you mean it! Live it fully. Show up to each moment, truly experience it and create real memories.

Don’t just go to the park, have a picnic. Make it a full day, take pictures and be present for it. Work and expectations will be there when you get back either way, better to leave them behind and really show up in the moments that count.

Never, ever settle for less than you want or deserve.

Even if you get to live a long one, life is short. Time flies. Everyone says it and you know it’s true. Why waste it with people, jobs or things that are less than you deserve? Less than you want?

If you want a love that is deep, passionate and life-altering, then don’t spend another minute with someone that you don’t connect with deeply. If you want a job that allows you to do great things, leave your mark and feel fulfilled at the end of each day, don’t settle for any old job that will cover the bills.

Don’t stay with people or in a job because you feel like it’s the best you’ll get… or that “it’ll do.” You can do better if you feel like “it’ll do.” You can have extraordinary, passionate, deep, mind-blowing, colorful, lively, exciting, romantic and so much more. You just have to stop settling.

If you feel the slightest twinge of “meh” or “that’ll do,” run in the opposite direction. You can waste years of your life at the wrong job, with the wrong person or in the wrong city.

I’m not saying you have to make huge, life-altering changes right this minute. But change things. Put the plans into place to move your life from “it’ll do” to extraordinary. You deserve it.

55c02d88baed94acd238fa9a9c29afa0--moon-hair

Just Be You:- Don’t waste time trying to fit in, live up to your family’s expectations or be the perfect [fill in the blank]. Just be you. Be messy, moody, opinionated, passionate, eccentric, wild and picky. Don’t eat what you don’t like, don’t go to movies you hate, don’t do things just because everyone else wants to.

Don’t give a single thought to what other people think of you. It doesn’t mean be insensitive, destructive or mean, it means stop caring if everyone likes you. Stop worrying that you’re embarrassing your mother or that the others will think you’re lame. It’s who you are. They can take it or leave it.

There’s no sense in wasting time pretending to be someone you’re not so that you’ll fit in with the people you don’t belong with. Life is short, spend it with people who love and appreciate the real you.

d3aa67171e00eeee010414d6f35b5512

Take Action Now! :-You deserve better. You deserve a life that has deep connections, meaning, memories, love, and happiness. Take a moment to assess your life…

Where are you not showing up? Where can you do better and stop taking people and things for granted? Where you can you be more fully yourself?

If you only had a year to live, how would you want to spend it? When you have that answer, share with me one step you’re going to take this week to make that dream a reality.

”When You Start to Enjoy Being Alone”

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” 
― Gautama Buddha, 

Being single has its pros and cons, but one thing’s for sure: it’s not the end of the world. If one of the reasons you haven’t ended a relationship is because you’re afraid to be alone, that’s normal. A lot of people feel that way, but it shouldn’t be the only reason you stay with someone. The thought of being on your own can be scary, especially if you haven’t been single for awhile, but people do it every day, in fact, there are hundreds of thousands of people doing it right now, and they’re just fine. Happy even. A lot of things in life are scary at first, but you do them anyway. You figure it out, and you adjust. Because that’s what life is about.

fa3b96445a4542ab49961a50ef4ddf02

 * BEING IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP IS A LOT SCARIER.Think about it. Would you rather deal with the stress of being in an unhappy relationship for the rest of your life, or wake up every morning, refreshed from a good night’s sleep, without a single guy-related worry on your mind? Simply being in a relationship, regardless of who you’re with, does not solve all your problems.

 * YOU AREN’T REALLY ALONE JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE SINGLE.What about all your friends, family, and even coworkers who love you? Do they mean nothing? Not having a boyfriend doesn’t mean you have nobody at all. So appreciate the people who love you unconditionally, because they need your attention too.

 * ‘SINGLE’ ISN’T A BAD WORD.There’s no rule that declares being single bad and being in a relationship good. It all depends on how you look at it and what you want for yourself. We’re all on different paths, and there’s no reason to see being single as a negative thing.

 * YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.Just because you’re single doesn’t mean no one wants you. People aren’t looking at you and going “ew, she’s single, what’s wrong with her?” Being single by choice is perfectly legitimate, and it means you’re comfortable with who you are, and don’t need anyone else to define you.

* RELATIONSHIPS AREN’T EASY.Sometimes commitment is the thing you should be afraid of. It takes hard work to make a relationship work, and if you aren’t up for it, it could end up in heartbreak. If you can’t handle that possibility, being single is probably the better choice for now.

 * IT’S IMPORTANT TO LEARN HOW TO BE ON YOUR OWN.Even if you’re in a relationship, you still need to have a life outside of that. If you’re comfortable being alone and capable of filling your free time, you won’t rely so much on your boyfriend when you do have one, and that’s what a healthy relationship is all about.

*  YOU’LL HAVE WAY MORE TIME FOR YOURSELF.What’s scary about being able to watch all the reality TV you want, getting a great night’s sleep every time, and never being obligated to go to family events you don’t want to go to? Sounds pretty great to me.

 * YOU’VE BEEN ALONE BEFORE, AND YOU’LL BE ALONE AGAIN.No one is in a relationship their entire lives. But still, we spend so much time pining after what we don’t have that we forget to appreciate the great things about being single. You won’t be alone forever, so stop obsessing and just live.

*  YOU’LL BE SO BUSY FOCUSING ON YOURSELF THAT YOU’LL BARELY EVEN NOTICE.Admit it, your career, friendships, and relationships with your family could always use a little more attention. Throw all your energy into those things, and stop making dating a priority for a little while. Then you’ll see that life in the single lane isn’t so bad after all.

 * YOU’LL BE AVAILABLE WHEN SOMEONE GREAT COMES ALONG.If you’re too busy trying to save a failing relationship, you aren’t going to see the great guy who’s perfect for you when he’s right in front of you. We all have baggage, but it’s a lot easier to transition from single to dating than it is to go from in a serious relationship, right into dating someone else.

”Healing Broken Heart”

Everyone in life is going to hurt you, you just have to figure out which people are worth the pain.

– Bob Marley

The searing pain of a failed relationship is the greatest suffering many of us will ever experience. Using their unique 10 step method, you can remove emotional pain and feel free to enjoy life fully again –

ACCEPTING THE PAIN-

Don’t waste your time on revenge. Those who hurt you will eventually face their own karma. – Matareva Pearl

Accept that you will have to go through some pain. It is an unavoidable truth that if you loved enough to be heartbroken, you have to experience some suffering.

When you lose something that mattered to you, it is natural and important to feel sad about it: that feeling is an essential part of the healing process.

The problem with broken-hearted people is that they seem to be reliving their misery over and over again. If you cannot seem to break the cycle of painful memories, the chances are that you are locked into repeating dysfunctional patterns of behavior. Your pain has become a mental habit. This habit can, and must, be broken.

This is not to belittle the strength of your feelings or the importance of the habits you’ve built up during your relationship. Without habit, none of us would function. But there comes a time when the pain becomes unhealthy.

When you enter your bedroom at night, you switch on the light without thinking. If you obsess about your ex and feel unhappy all the time, it’s likely that your unconscious mind is ‘switching on’ your emotions in exactly the same way.

Without realizing it, you have programmed yourself to feel a pang of grief every time you hear that tune you danced to, or see your ex’s empty chair across the kitchen table.

CHANGING YOUR HABITS

Now you have to break those connections. Turn off the music that reminds you of your her. Make your home look and feel different from when your loved one was around. Move the furniture.

Take up a new activity. And keep moving: exercise is the single most effective therapy for depression.

The point of these changes is to break up the old associations and give yourself a new environment for your new life. The changes you make don’t have to be permanent. Even if it is just using a different shampoo and deleting your ex’s number from the memory of your mobile, change something. Now.

CHANGING YOUR THOUGHTS

The next step is to do the same thing on the inside – transform your habits of thought. In a relationship, we build up a huge array of such habits. When the love affair ends, these patterns can still be running.

To change your thinking habits, you need to understand a little more about them.

Have you ever witnessed the same event as someone else, and later found out their account of it was completely different from yours? Each of you saw the event through a ‘frame’, made up of your personal beliefs, feelings, and internal habits.

If you are finding it devastatingly difficult to handle the end of your relationship, you may need to change this ‘frame’. You will need to reframe your heartbreak. Stop seeing it as the end of your happiness. Instead, turn it into a challenge; view it as an opportunity.

Being heartbroken can make you feel worthless and hopeless – but that is because the frame you are using is too narrow. Learning to see your situation with a different frame is a wonderful liberation.

VIEW YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OUTSIDE

The following exercise will help you look at your circumstances from different points of view, so you gain helpful insights.

1. Think about the break-up of your relationship. What are the judgments or generalizations you have made about yourself and your ex?

2. Now think of someone you admire – a character from history or a real friend. Imagine they are watching a movie of this part of your life, and step into their shoes to watch it instead. Imagine what their comments would be.

3. Now imagine that a neutral observer is watching the movie of your life. Step into their shoes and watch it from there.

4. Notice the differences that you see from each point of view. Which ones are helpful? Which ones make you feel better? Use these perspectives to view your relationship in a new light.

People who get over difficulties well rarely see what has happened to them as a disaster. They frame it as a challenge. It is a matter of a point of view. It is not what happens to us, but how we interpret it that determines the outcome for us.

CHANGING HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF AND HIM

The next stage is to focus on your mental picture of your lost love. By changing how you represent your ex in your mind, you can greatly reduce or even eliminate your distress.

You must learn to control your ‘visualization’. Every single one of us makes pictures in our imagination – and we can all learn how to change the pictures. It is important to learn to do this because our bodies react to what we imagine in the same way that they react to what is actually happening to us. Memory and imagination affect our feelings in the same way as reality does.

We are constantly altering our state by the pictures we make in our imagination and the way we talk to ourselves. So it is vital to control those pictures and not let them run away with our feelings.

CHANGING HOW YOU SEE YOUR PAST

It’s sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew. – Henry Rollins

1. Answer the following question. Which side of your front door is the lock on? To answer, you have had to make a mental picture of the door. You have made a visualisation.

2. Now try to imagine what your front door would look like if it was bright orange or had yellow stripes down it. Make it bigger. Move it away so that it is smaller. Move it further away and down a bit so you are looking down on it. Make it open. Change it in different ways.

3. Think about your ex now. As soon as you remember what someone looks like, you are using visualisation. What is the expression on his or her face? Observe what your ex is wearing and what he or she is doing. Where do you see the picture of them? In front of you, or to the left or the right? Is it lifesize or smaller? Is it a movie or a still image? Is it solid or transparent? Now, as you keep that image in your mind’s eye, notice the feelings that arise. Make a note of those feelings.

4. Now you could remember or imagine them differently. You can imagine you are a great film director. You can reshoot the scenes of your memory and imagination in any way you want. You can change the action, soundtrack, lighting, camera angles, framing, focus and speed. Change how you are visualising your ex and notice how it affects your feelings.

5. Bring to mind the picture you had of your ex.

6. Notice where it appears and how big it is.

7. Now drain the colour out until it looks like an old black and white picture.

8. Move the image further away until it is one-tenth of its original size.

9. Shrink it even further, right down to a little black dot.

10. Notice how your feelings have changed and compare how you feel now to the note you made earlier.

You will notice that some changes have a bigger effect than others. Images that are closer, bigger, brighter and more colorful have greater emotional intensity than those that are duller, smaller and further away.

Standing outside your memories and watching as if they were a movie helps you distance yourself from them.

FALLING OUT OF LOVE – FOR GOOD

Now you are ready to tackle the central problem using the visualization technique. Part of being heartbroken is the fact that you still feel in love. It hurts because part of you is still attached to your ex. This exercise helps that piece of you release itself.

1. List five occasions when you felt very in love with your ex. List them so you can easily call them to mind.

2. Start with the first of those memories. Play with it. Move the image away from you so that you can see yourself in the picture. Make it small.

3. Drain out the color so it is black and white, then make it transparent. When you look at your memory like this, it will seem as if the event is happening to someone else, and the emotional intensity will be reduced still further. You are starting to re-code your memory.

4. When you have finished re-coding the first memory, do the same for the next one. Work with them until you have done all five.

5. Remember in detail five negative experiences with your ex-partner, where you felt very definitely put off by him or her. List the five experiences.

6. Take the least appealing memory and fully return to that moment. Try to relive it.

7. Now turn up the color and the clarity. Make the memory as bright and clear as you can, and experience the feeling more and more strongly.

8. Go through each of the other four negative memories of your ex-partner, and relive them. Carry on until even thinking about them puts you off.

When you think about the bad experiences, again and again, the negative memories begin to join up so that there is no space between them for the feelings of love, yearning, and regret.

Concentrate on the exercise and do it methodically. Some people have found that doing this just once makes them feel different. To make sure the effect sticks, do it every day for two weeks.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR EMOTIONS

The next stage is to learn to understand your emotional reactions better. Your feelings of heartbreak are unlikely to disappear unless you cope with what they are trying to tell you.

An emotion is a bit like someone knocking on your door to deliver a message. If you don’t answer, it keeps knocking until you do open up.

Opening the door to your feelings means learning to understand them. This can be hard because heartbreak is complicated by other feelings: anger, fear, and shame.

BELIEVING THAT YOU WILL FIND LOVE AGAIN

You could fall into the trap of remaining convinced that your ex is the only person you could ever love. This is unlikely to be true on a planet with six billion people.

So why do you believe it? Can it be because you are desperately trying to avoid accepting that the relationship is over? Or are you afraid that the bad feelings associated with heartbreak will never go away?

That fear makes you anxious and keeps you feeling bad for longer. The burden of your heartbreak has grown heavier, and a vicious circle has been established.

LIVING HAPPILY AFTER YOUR BREAK-UP

A broken heart is just the growing pains necessary so that you can love more completely when the real thing comes along. – J.S.B. Morse

A good way of giving yourself a boost – and coping with complicated feelings – is to imagine a bright future.

1. Imagine the future as a corridor in front of you. Imagine walking down it, away from the present, towards a door.

2. Open the door, and see beyond it a world in which you have recovered from your heartbreaking relationship.

3. See what you look like, what you are wearing, where you are going, whom you are seeing.

4. Now step into this new world and into the new happy you. Imagine the whole experience from the inside, seeing what you would see, hearing what you would hear, and feeling how good and happy things are now.

It is not a matter of believing the image is real: just imagine it as vividly as possible.

In heartbreak, there is often a backlog of emotional learning to get through. Do one bit at a time. Your unconscious mind will protect you, and give you a rest so that you can deal with the next bit. You will learn to step out of the memories, leave them behind, and start a new life.

''Healing Broken Heart''

Everyone in life is going to hurt you, you just have to figure out which people are worth the pain.

– Bob Marley

The searing pain of a failed relationship is the greatest suffering many of us will ever experience. Using their unique 10 step method, you can remove emotional pain and feel free to enjoy life fully again –

ACCEPTING THE PAIN-

Don’t waste your time on revenge. Those who hurt you will eventually face their own karma. – Matareva Pearl

Accept that you will have to go through some pain. It is an unavoidable truth that if you loved enough to be heartbroken, you have to experience some suffering.

When you lose something that mattered to you, it is natural and important to feel sad about it: that feeling is an essential part of the healing process.

The problem with broken-hearted people is that they seem to be reliving their misery over and over again. If you cannot seem to break the cycle of painful memories, the chances are that you are locked into repeating dysfunctional patterns of behavior. Your pain has become a mental habit. This habit can, and must, be broken.

This is not to belittle the strength of your feelings or the importance of the habits you’ve built up during your relationship. Without habit, none of us would function. But there comes a time when the pain becomes unhealthy.

When you enter your bedroom at night, you switch on the light without thinking. If you obsess about your ex and feel unhappy all the time, it’s likely that your unconscious mind is ‘switching on’ your emotions in exactly the same way.

Without realizing it, you have programmed yourself to feel a pang of grief every time you hear that tune you danced to, or see your ex’s empty chair across the kitchen table.

CHANGING YOUR HABITS

Now you have to break those connections. Turn off the music that reminds you of your her. Make your home look and feel different from when your loved one was around. Move the furniture.

Take up a new activity. And keep moving: exercise is the single most effective therapy for depression.

The point of these changes is to break up the old associations and give yourself a new environment for your new life. The changes you make don’t have to be permanent. Even if it is just using a different shampoo and deleting your ex’s number from the memory of your mobile, change something. Now.

CHANGING YOUR THOUGHTS

The next step is to do the same thing on the inside – transform your habits of thought. In a relationship, we build up a huge array of such habits. When the love affair ends, these patterns can still be running.

To change your thinking habits, you need to understand a little more about them.

Have you ever witnessed the same event as someone else, and later found out their account of it was completely different from yours? Each of you saw the event through a ‘frame’, made up of your personal beliefs, feelings, and internal habits.

If you are finding it devastatingly difficult to handle the end of your relationship, you may need to change this ‘frame’. You will need to reframe your heartbreak. Stop seeing it as the end of your happiness. Instead, turn it into a challenge; view it as an opportunity.

Being heartbroken can make you feel worthless and hopeless – but that is because the frame you are using is too narrow. Learning to see your situation with a different frame is a wonderful liberation.

VIEW YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OUTSIDE

The following exercise will help you look at your circumstances from different points of view, so you gain helpful insights.

1. Think about the break-up of your relationship. What are the judgments or generalizations you have made about yourself and your ex?

2. Now think of someone you admire – a character from history or a real friend. Imagine they are watching a movie of this part of your life, and step into their shoes to watch it instead. Imagine what their comments would be.

3. Now imagine that a neutral observer is watching the movie of your life. Step into their shoes and watch it from there.

4. Notice the differences that you see from each point of view. Which ones are helpful? Which ones make you feel better? Use these perspectives to view your relationship in a new light.

People who get over difficulties well rarely see what has happened to them as a disaster. They frame it as a challenge. It is a matter of a point of view. It is not what happens to us, but how we interpret it that determines the outcome for us.

CHANGING HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF AND HIM

The next stage is to focus on your mental picture of your lost love. By changing how you represent your ex in your mind, you can greatly reduce or even eliminate your distress.

You must learn to control your ‘visualization’. Every single one of us makes pictures in our imagination – and we can all learn how to change the pictures. It is important to learn to do this because our bodies react to what we imagine in the same way that they react to what is actually happening to us. Memory and imagination affect our feelings in the same way as reality does.

We are constantly altering our state by the pictures we make in our imagination and the way we talk to ourselves. So it is vital to control those pictures and not let them run away with our feelings.

CHANGING HOW YOU SEE YOUR PAST

It’s sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew. – Henry Rollins

1. Answer the following question. Which side of your front door is the lock on? To answer, you have had to make a mental picture of the door. You have made a visualisation.

2. Now try to imagine what your front door would look like if it was bright orange or had yellow stripes down it. Make it bigger. Move it away so that it is smaller. Move it further away and down a bit so you are looking down on it. Make it open. Change it in different ways.

3. Think about your ex now. As soon as you remember what someone looks like, you are using visualisation. What is the expression on his or her face? Observe what your ex is wearing and what he or she is doing. Where do you see the picture of them? In front of you, or to the left or the right? Is it lifesize or smaller? Is it a movie or a still image? Is it solid or transparent? Now, as you keep that image in your mind’s eye, notice the feelings that arise. Make a note of those feelings.

4. Now you could remember or imagine them differently. You can imagine you are a great film director. You can reshoot the scenes of your memory and imagination in any way you want. You can change the action, soundtrack, lighting, camera angles, framing, focus and speed. Change how you are visualising your ex and notice how it affects your feelings.

5. Bring to mind the picture you had of your ex.

6. Notice where it appears and how big it is.

7. Now drain the colour out until it looks like an old black and white picture.

8. Move the image further away until it is one-tenth of its original size.

9. Shrink it even further, right down to a little black dot.

10. Notice how your feelings have changed and compare how you feel now to the note you made earlier.

You will notice that some changes have a bigger effect than others. Images that are closer, bigger, brighter and more colorful have greater emotional intensity than those that are duller, smaller and further away.

Standing outside your memories and watching as if they were a movie helps you distance yourself from them.

FALLING OUT OF LOVE – FOR GOOD

Now you are ready to tackle the central problem using the visualization technique. Part of being heartbroken is the fact that you still feel in love. It hurts because part of you is still attached to your ex. This exercise helps that piece of you release itself.

1. List five occasions when you felt very in love with your ex. List them so you can easily call them to mind.

2. Start with the first of those memories. Play with it. Move the image away from you so that you can see yourself in the picture. Make it small.

3. Drain out the color so it is black and white, then make it transparent. When you look at your memory like this, it will seem as if the event is happening to someone else, and the emotional intensity will be reduced still further. You are starting to re-code your memory.

4. When you have finished re-coding the first memory, do the same for the next one. Work with them until you have done all five.

5. Remember in detail five negative experiences with your ex-partner, where you felt very definitely put off by him or her. List the five experiences.

6. Take the least appealing memory and fully return to that moment. Try to relive it.

7. Now turn up the color and the clarity. Make the memory as bright and clear as you can, and experience the feeling more and more strongly.

8. Go through each of the other four negative memories of your ex-partner, and relive them. Carry on until even thinking about them puts you off.

When you think about the bad experiences, again and again, the negative memories begin to join up so that there is no space between them for the feelings of love, yearning, and regret.

Concentrate on the exercise and do it methodically. Some people have found that doing this just once makes them feel different. To make sure the effect sticks, do it every day for two weeks.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR EMOTIONS

The next stage is to learn to understand your emotional reactions better. Your feelings of heartbreak are unlikely to disappear unless you cope with what they are trying to tell you.

An emotion is a bit like someone knocking on your door to deliver a message. If you don’t answer, it keeps knocking until you do open up.

Opening the door to your feelings means learning to understand them. This can be hard because heartbreak is complicated by other feelings: anger, fear, and shame.

BELIEVING THAT YOU WILL FIND LOVE AGAIN

You could fall into the trap of remaining convinced that your ex is the only person you could ever love. This is unlikely to be true on a planet with six billion people.

So why do you believe it? Can it be because you are desperately trying to avoid accepting that the relationship is over? Or are you afraid that the bad feelings associated with heartbreak will never go away?

That fear makes you anxious and keeps you feeling bad for longer. The burden of your heartbreak has grown heavier, and a vicious circle has been established.

LIVING HAPPILY AFTER YOUR BREAK-UP

A broken heart is just the growing pains necessary so that you can love more completely when the real thing comes along. – J.S.B. Morse

A good way of giving yourself a boost – and coping with complicated feelings – is to imagine a bright future.

1. Imagine the future as a corridor in front of you. Imagine walking down it, away from the present, towards a door.

2. Open the door, and see beyond it a world in which you have recovered from your heartbreaking relationship.

3. See what you look like, what you are wearing, where you are going, whom you are seeing.

4. Now step into this new world and into the new happy you. Imagine the whole experience from the inside, seeing what you would see, hearing what you would hear, and feeling how good and happy things are now.

It is not a matter of believing the image is real: just imagine it as vividly as possible.

In heartbreak, there is often a backlog of emotional learning to get through. Do one bit at a time. Your unconscious mind will protect you, and give you a rest so that you can deal with the next bit. You will learn to step out of the memories, leave them behind, and start a new life.