”How To Find Myself”

identity“The closer you come to knowing that you alone create the world of your experience, the more vital it becomes for you to discover just who is doing the creating.” “Courage is the hallmark of spirituality. Courage comes when you love yourself for who you are.”

Have you ever asked yourself, ‘Who am I really?’ Am I a father, a husband, a friend, an engineer, a passenger or a patient? The truth is that you are a father because you have a son. You are a husband because you have a wife. A passenger because you are on a train. So all your identities, everything you believe yourself to be, are all dependent on something else. So then, who are you? A father, a husband or a passenger?

By not knowing the answer to the question, ‘Who am I?’, you keep on creating new identities for yourself, consequently going farther away from your true Self. All the suffering in life is because of not knowing your true identity. Until you realize your true Self, you believe yourself to be the name that has been given to you.

So who are you? In reality, you are an eternal Soul. For infinite past lives, the Soul has been hidden beneath a veil of ignorance. Due to this, we have been unable to experience the true Self.

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This question – asked so often – suggests that there is actually a plausible answer. Almost as if our being were a fixed thing. People who ask this sort of question are typically struggling with their identity and are searching for a core sense of themselves. The irony is that the more you seek to identify who you are, the more fragile you are likely to feel about yourself. There may be an inverse correlation between the question being asked and the ease with which you experience your life. The emphasis shouldn’t be on discovering who you are (what is buried beneath) but on facilitating the emergence of what you’d like to experience.

Our identity should be seen as an ongoing process. Rather than a static snapshot, we should embrace a flowing sense of self, whereby we are perpetually re-framing, re-organizing, re-thinking and re-considering ourselves. How different would life be if rather than asking who am I, we contemplated how we’d like to engage life?

A sense of inadequacy often informs the question around “Who am I?” As people engage the deepening complexity of understanding themselves, they would fare much better to devote themselves to the unfolding process of life. Witnessing our thoughts, not reacting out of old habit, and becoming present enables us to better craft our lives. As such, the identity that we seek fires the wave of life, enriched by the flow.

Imagine that you’ve been in prison for twenty years, incarcerated since the age of eighteen. You literally have no adult life experience outside of the penitentiary. Your sense of self is tragically limited. You might ask yourself, “Who am I? This would likely provoke a fragile sense of self that paradoxically might leave you most apprehensive about your imminent release. You’d hardly choose to remain imprisoned until you could find your identity. You’d have to permit that new sense of self to flow from your new experiences.

I have worked with people who have been married more or less for their entire adult lives. Upon divorce, they are often confronted with a distressing thought. They claim that they don’t know who they are. More to the point, they may not know who they are as a single, autonomous adult, not partnered.  After all, how could they?  Rather than remaining mired in fear, you’d need to summon up a sense of wonder and adventure. There is a new sense of self-waiting to be born. You get to re-craft yourself along the way.

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At the other end of the identity, a continuum is those who claim to know themselves so well. This other extreme also signifies a fragility about one’s identity. To know yourself so well leaves no room for growth. Even more, it suggests a deep vulnerability that is being defended against – as if it were too dangerous to take a closer look.

It makes perfect sense to seek a deeper sense of self. To become intimately aware of your thoughts, feelings, hopes, and fears are obviously advisable. The key is to engage your sense of self as malleable, more like a willow tree than a sturdy oak. The willow is flexible and survives the storm as it bends with the wind, whereas the more rigid oak is more likely to crack.

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The universe purportedly exists in a state of flowing potential. And it is essential to understand that we are indeed part of that universe. The goal then is to access that potential, keeping the parts of our identity that continue to serve us well and shedding the old, habitual pieces that constrain us. This process is known as positive disintegration. This permits us to find a balance between the extremes previously discussed and enter into a relationship with self that commits to our personal evolution.

”Conscious Living To Make Conscious Choices”

It is pretty shocking that most of us miss about half of our lives. That’s right. If you are 42 years old, for instance, chances are you have missed about 21 years of your life already. Your body has been alive but your mind has been disconnected. Your mind has been thinking about the past (e.g., what you did wrong, what he did wrong, things you are sorry for, things you are mad about) or your mind has been thinking about the future (worrying about what might happen, planning all of the things that you may or may not do, making your grocery list). What’s more, when you aren’t living in the present you are more likely to be anxious and depressed.

If that wasn’t enough, when you aren’t engaged in the present you tend to miss a lot of things. You might not even notice what are you putting into your mouth, how full are you getting, how much money are you spending, where you are going, or what are you saying that you might have to apologize for later. One of the most profound statements I’ve ever heard was from a woman in my mindful eating class who came in and said “I don’t like anything I eat, I just hadn’t noticed before.

Our ability to be fully present in this moment without judgment and with kindness and compassion is a prerequisite for behaving in ways that will bring us peace and happiness and help us change behaviors that we want to change. Mindfulness helps us understand ourselves, others, and the world around us so that we aren’t caught up in habitual, mindless behaviors.

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As you practice mindfulness over time, there is an increased sensitivity to the world around. You see your part in the whole of everyone else who is trying to be happy and content. You sense the impact you have on the world around you in more and more subtle ways. This consciousness can be a little disturbing at times because there is a weight of responsibility that can feel a little heavy. But don’t fall into the trap of feeling like you need to save the world, become overwhelmed and then do nothing.

Instead, here are some somewhat random tips for becoming a more mindful, conscious human being. This is definitely not an all-inclusive list. But, these are things I’m working on so I thought you might want to try them too. Use them for a week and see if you don’t feel a little more compassionate and connected to yourself and others.

  1. Spend 10-20 minutes a day meditating. There are tons of meditation apps like Insight Timer that can help you get started. This will help you be present for the rest of the day.
  2. Know what you’re putting in your mouth. Ask yourself the questions: What am I eating? Where did it come from? Why am I eating it? Is this food that my body wants and needs?
  3. Drive slower. Not only will you feel more relaxed when you drive slower, but you will get less impatient with others. In addition, think of the gas you’ll save. Notice your surroundings and enjoy the view.
  4. Listen better. How much of the time do you truly listen to another person without thinking about what you’re going to say or asking questions? Just listen until you know the other person has finished talking.
  5. Speak with words that are kind and true. Even in the difficult conversations, you can choose to be kind and say what is “true” from your experience without blaming and condemning another. Mindful communication is difficult. This is a good place to start.
  6. Watch what you’re spending. It is so easy to get caught up in the consumer culture. The next time you are ready to pull out the credit card, stop and ask yourself if this is something you really want and need. You can even wait a couple of days to see if you still want the item.

Living consciously takes constant attention and mindfulness will help you make more conscious choices. Instead of living on automatic, try paying attention with kindness and compassion to the daily choices you make in what you do, say, and hear. It’s not easy to break out of routines and habits, but it is worth the effort.

”Be The Change You Want”

 

”Gandhi, the man who inspired human rights movements worldwide all by dramatically living the simple nonviolent life he preached, once said: “you must be the change you want to see in this world”. We now see this quote everywhere; at churches, yoga centers, political rallies, on workshop flyers, and bumper stickers. But what does “be the change” mean? To be the change means to want, choose and commit your actions to do the right thing.”

CLIMB-MOUNTAINS

In order to do something, you have to want it. If you want something, you’ll endure all the struggles and pain that come with it. You are determined to reach your goal. A change can only happen if you want to see it happen, and the only a change could happen is if you put your effort into it. The quote “if it’s to be, it’s up to me”, explains to us that too many people think that others such as leaders are supposed to be the change. It’s obvious that nothing is going to happen without you. You can choose to make a change or not. To take action or just sit there. But you know, at the end of the day, the choice was and is yours.

“You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.”

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Secondly, choosing is a decision. There are hundreds of students in the school that we don’t know. And maybe one of them is sick of everything. They can’t put up with life anymore. They don’t see the happiness. They don’t feel the love. But you could change that. If you see someone sitting alone at lunch, why not invite them to sit at your table? Everyone is talking about it, reading about it, thinking about it, but they are not doing it. They don’t understand that their actions will only happen by their choice. Gandhi said, “whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it”. This quote encourages me to do the right thing no matter what. To me, this means that I won’t always get an award for every good deed I do, but I should do it just because it is the right thing to do. Our decisions need to be made there and then, and we have to commit our actions to create a change we want to see.

Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.

6a00d8341c500653ef019b019de1f1970c-800wiNext, committing is like a contract with yourself- to do whatever it takes to reach your goal. A commitment is the action step, the push to get you through the difficult times. No matter what you decide to do, you have to commit yourself to it. Even if it is inviting someone else to sit with you at lunch. When you see a person sitting alone at lunch, you want to make their experience at lunch positive. Therefore, you choose to invite them to sit with you at lunch. But then all these thoughts come rushing into your head, and when you look around yourself, everyone seems to be glaring at you in a weird and awkward way. Just for a stupid reason like that, you decide not to invite the student to sit with you. That is why you need commitment. So you could tell yourself “this is what I want to see happen”. You will need to put all your effort and thought into making it happen, but you can do it. If you want it bad enough, you will not allow anyone to get in your way. That is what commitment means; to give all your effort and thought into making a change you want to see happen, take place. 
“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” 

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Lastly, “to be the change you want to see in the world” means to notice what is happening around is us and to take powerful, solid steps towards constructing the life and world of our imaginations. Seeing the change you want to happen will take much of your effort of wanting, choosing, and committing your actions to stand for what is right.

Be That Change This Year And Wish You All A Happy New Year:)

“Electric Universe”

 

”If a special geometry has to be invented in order to account for a falling apple, even Newton might be appalled at the complications which would ensue when really difficult problems are tackled.”

Electricity in the Universe has been identified from beneath our feet, in animals and plants, our biosphere, and out to the furthest reaches of the Universe. In general, electricity is present wherever we find plasma, and since 99.999% of the visible universe is in the plasma state, magnetic field and electric currents are nearly everywhere.

They call themselves The Thunderbolts Project.

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They subscribe to an idea called “electric universe,” and sometimes describe themselves as “getting EU eyes.” Like slipping on rose-colored glasses, the conversion changes their perception of the entire universe. The objects and events remain the same. But they’re tinged with truth. And in EU theory, the truth is that electricity rules.

Electric currents that flow along plasma filaments shape and power galaxies. The currents stream into stars, powering them like fluorescent bulbs. They induce the births of planets. Craters on those planets come from electrical arcs, like lightning bolts, that sear the surfaces.

Also, black holes don’t exist, and neither does dark matter. Nor dark energy.

The Big Bang? Never happened.

Einstein’s two relativities are laughable fiction.

Electricity can explain away all that stuff.

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The electric universe concept does not meet the “theory,” which is “a comprehensive explanation of some aspect of nature that is supported by a vast body of evidence” and “can be used to make predictions about natural events or phenomena that have not yet been observed.”

In physics, theories need math. That’s how you predict, gather evidence, verify, disprove, and support. But EU theory isn’t big in math. In fact, “Mathematics is not physics,” While that equation aversion makes the theory pretty much a non-starter for “mainstream” astronomers, it is the exact thing that appeals to many adherents.

“What doesn’t seem to vary is the dissident psychology behind the involvement.”

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The Electric Universe theory is interdisciplinary, integrating and supporting subject as diverse as the science (astronomy, geology, physics), with the soft sciences such as ancient history and comparative mythology.

“People say to me that it has changed their lives because it makes sense for them,” “And because it is a real cosmology, there is something for everyone, be they scholar, artist, engineer, or the ‘man on the street.'”

“At best, the ‘electric universe’ is a solution in search of a problem; it seeks to explain things we already understand very well through gravity, plasma, and nuclear physics, “At worst it’s sheer crackpottery like homeopathy and astrology, making claims clearly contradicted by the evidence.”

Yet something about it sparks fervor in the hearts of people-on-the-street, more fervor than casual believers in the Big Bang has. Despite the gaps, logical fallacies, and evidence to its contrary, EU appeals deeply to adherents, lighting a fire, not unlike a tent revival does.

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''Meditation And Knowledge''

 

Knowledge:-

As the mind becomes pure and clean through karma yoga and Upasana, one develops jijnyasa – a thirst to know, ‘Who am I’; a thirst to know, ‘Who is God’; and a thirst to know about the essence of this world. To obtain answers to these significant questions, one approaches a teacher and starts studying the scriptures. Theoretical knowledge of the Self is grasped through the buddhi – intellect. When the buddhi becomes discriminating and pure through karma yoga and Upasana, we gain the vision and understanding that one tattva exists in all the beings. He exists in all and everything exists in Him. It is the knowledge of oneness that the Self in me is the Self in all. That Self is essentially God, Ishvara, Brahman. This understanding dawns after contemplation and reflection on the teachings of the scriptures – the Upanishads, Brahmasutra, and the Bhagavad-gita.

At present, I see things from the standpoint of my body: I am different and you are different. But when I understand my essential nature, I will know that I exist in all. God exists in me and in everything. God is everywhere. I will understand that my essential nature is divine, Brahman. This is theoretical understanding; it gives me a perception of oneness. But it will not give me the experience of that oneness.

revised-chakra-chart

Meditation:-

Meditation is the only real, royal road to the attainment of salvation. Meditation kills all pains, sufferings, and sorrows. Meditation destroys all causes of sorrow. Meditation gives a vision of unity. Meditation induces a sense of oneness. Meditation is a balloon or the airplane that helps the aspirant to soar high into the realms of eternal bliss, everlasting peace, and undying joy.

Meditation is the royal road to attain Godhead. It is the grand trunk road which takes the aspirant direct to the destination of divine consciousness. It is the mystic ladder which takes the Yogic student from earth to heaven. It is the divine ladder of Yogis which pushes them to the heights of Asamprajnata Samadhi. It is the step in the staircase of Chidakasa to take the aspirant to the highest story of Advaita Nishtha and Kaivalya Mukti of Vedantins. Without it, no spiritual progress is possible. It is the aerial ropeway that allows the devotee to glide easily to the other shore of Bhava Samadhi and drink the honey of Prema and the nectar of immortality.

Regular meditation opens the avenues of intuition knowledge, makes the mind calm and steady awakens an ecstatic feeling and brings the Yogic student in contact with the source of the Supreme Purusha. If there are doubts, they are all cleared by themselves when you march on the path of Dhyana Yoga steadily. You will yourself feel the way to place your footsteps on the next rung of the spiritual ladder. A mysterious inner voice will guide you

In order to experience what I have understood, I have to meditate. Meditation in Vedanta follows knowledge. Without knowledge, meditation is not possible. Some people meditate regularly, but if they do not have the theoretical knowledge of the Self, they might be meditating on something else. Have we gained the knowledge of that on which we have to meditate?

God Avatar, Sri Krishna advises us to first gain knowledge and then meditate. When we meditate, we experience ourselves as we are. Once this happens, our vision changes and gets transformed. We actually experience what we have understood theoretically. We experience the presence of God in everything and everyone. We live in the world as a free person. We live in this world as a jivanmukta – liberated while alive.

”Meditation And Knowledge”

 

Knowledge:-

As the mind becomes pure and clean through karma yoga and Upasana, one develops jijnyasa – a thirst to know, ‘Who am I’; a thirst to know, ‘Who is God’; and a thirst to know about the essence of this world. To obtain answers to these significant questions, one approaches a teacher and starts studying the scriptures. Theoretical knowledge of the Self is grasped through the buddhi – intellect. When the buddhi becomes discriminating and pure through karma yoga and Upasana, we gain the vision and understanding that one tattva exists in all the beings. He exists in all and everything exists in Him. It is the knowledge of oneness that the Self in me is the Self in all. That Self is essentially God, Ishvara, Brahman. This understanding dawns after contemplation and reflection on the teachings of the scriptures – the Upanishads, Brahmasutra, and the Bhagavad-gita.

At present, I see things from the standpoint of my body: I am different and you are different. But when I understand my essential nature, I will know that I exist in all. God exists in me and in everything. God is everywhere. I will understand that my essential nature is divine, Brahman. This is theoretical understanding; it gives me a perception of oneness. But it will not give me the experience of that oneness.

revised-chakra-chart

Meditation:-

Meditation is the only real, royal road to the attainment of salvation. Meditation kills all pains, sufferings, and sorrows. Meditation destroys all causes of sorrow. Meditation gives a vision of unity. Meditation induces a sense of oneness. Meditation is a balloon or the airplane that helps the aspirant to soar high into the realms of eternal bliss, everlasting peace, and undying joy.

Meditation is the royal road to attain Godhead. It is the grand trunk road which takes the aspirant direct to the destination of divine consciousness. It is the mystic ladder which takes the Yogic student from earth to heaven. It is the divine ladder of Yogis which pushes them to the heights of Asamprajnata Samadhi. It is the step in the staircase of Chidakasa to take the aspirant to the highest story of Advaita Nishtha and Kaivalya Mukti of Vedantins. Without it, no spiritual progress is possible. It is the aerial ropeway that allows the devotee to glide easily to the other shore of Bhava Samadhi and drink the honey of Prema and the nectar of immortality.

Regular meditation opens the avenues of intuition knowledge, makes the mind calm and steady awakens an ecstatic feeling and brings the Yogic student in contact with the source of the Supreme Purusha. If there are doubts, they are all cleared by themselves when you march on the path of Dhyana Yoga steadily. You will yourself feel the way to place your footsteps on the next rung of the spiritual ladder. A mysterious inner voice will guide you

In order to experience what I have understood, I have to meditate. Meditation in Vedanta follows knowledge. Without knowledge, meditation is not possible. Some people meditate regularly, but if they do not have the theoretical knowledge of the Self, they might be meditating on something else. Have we gained the knowledge of that on which we have to meditate?

God Avatar, Sri Krishna advises us to first gain knowledge and then meditate. When we meditate, we experience ourselves as we are. Once this happens, our vision changes and gets transformed. We actually experience what we have understood theoretically. We experience the presence of God in everything and everyone. We live in the world as a free person. We live in this world as a jivanmukta – liberated while alive.

''Healing Broken Heart''

Everyone in life is going to hurt you, you just have to figure out which people are worth the pain.

– Bob Marley

The searing pain of a failed relationship is the greatest suffering many of us will ever experience. Using their unique 10 step method, you can remove emotional pain and feel free to enjoy life fully again –

ACCEPTING THE PAIN-

Don’t waste your time on revenge. Those who hurt you will eventually face their own karma. – Matareva Pearl

Accept that you will have to go through some pain. It is an unavoidable truth that if you loved enough to be heartbroken, you have to experience some suffering.

When you lose something that mattered to you, it is natural and important to feel sad about it: that feeling is an essential part of the healing process.

The problem with broken-hearted people is that they seem to be reliving their misery over and over again. If you cannot seem to break the cycle of painful memories, the chances are that you are locked into repeating dysfunctional patterns of behavior. Your pain has become a mental habit. This habit can, and must, be broken.

This is not to belittle the strength of your feelings or the importance of the habits you’ve built up during your relationship. Without habit, none of us would function. But there comes a time when the pain becomes unhealthy.

When you enter your bedroom at night, you switch on the light without thinking. If you obsess about your ex and feel unhappy all the time, it’s likely that your unconscious mind is ‘switching on’ your emotions in exactly the same way.

Without realizing it, you have programmed yourself to feel a pang of grief every time you hear that tune you danced to, or see your ex’s empty chair across the kitchen table.

CHANGING YOUR HABITS

Now you have to break those connections. Turn off the music that reminds you of your her. Make your home look and feel different from when your loved one was around. Move the furniture.

Take up a new activity. And keep moving: exercise is the single most effective therapy for depression.

The point of these changes is to break up the old associations and give yourself a new environment for your new life. The changes you make don’t have to be permanent. Even if it is just using a different shampoo and deleting your ex’s number from the memory of your mobile, change something. Now.

CHANGING YOUR THOUGHTS

The next step is to do the same thing on the inside – transform your habits of thought. In a relationship, we build up a huge array of such habits. When the love affair ends, these patterns can still be running.

To change your thinking habits, you need to understand a little more about them.

Have you ever witnessed the same event as someone else, and later found out their account of it was completely different from yours? Each of you saw the event through a ‘frame’, made up of your personal beliefs, feelings, and internal habits.

If you are finding it devastatingly difficult to handle the end of your relationship, you may need to change this ‘frame’. You will need to reframe your heartbreak. Stop seeing it as the end of your happiness. Instead, turn it into a challenge; view it as an opportunity.

Being heartbroken can make you feel worthless and hopeless – but that is because the frame you are using is too narrow. Learning to see your situation with a different frame is a wonderful liberation.

VIEW YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OUTSIDE

The following exercise will help you look at your circumstances from different points of view, so you gain helpful insights.

1. Think about the break-up of your relationship. What are the judgments or generalizations you have made about yourself and your ex?

2. Now think of someone you admire – a character from history or a real friend. Imagine they are watching a movie of this part of your life, and step into their shoes to watch it instead. Imagine what their comments would be.

3. Now imagine that a neutral observer is watching the movie of your life. Step into their shoes and watch it from there.

4. Notice the differences that you see from each point of view. Which ones are helpful? Which ones make you feel better? Use these perspectives to view your relationship in a new light.

People who get over difficulties well rarely see what has happened to them as a disaster. They frame it as a challenge. It is a matter of a point of view. It is not what happens to us, but how we interpret it that determines the outcome for us.

CHANGING HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF AND HIM

The next stage is to focus on your mental picture of your lost love. By changing how you represent your ex in your mind, you can greatly reduce or even eliminate your distress.

You must learn to control your ‘visualization’. Every single one of us makes pictures in our imagination – and we can all learn how to change the pictures. It is important to learn to do this because our bodies react to what we imagine in the same way that they react to what is actually happening to us. Memory and imagination affect our feelings in the same way as reality does.

We are constantly altering our state by the pictures we make in our imagination and the way we talk to ourselves. So it is vital to control those pictures and not let them run away with our feelings.

CHANGING HOW YOU SEE YOUR PAST

It’s sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew. – Henry Rollins

1. Answer the following question. Which side of your front door is the lock on? To answer, you have had to make a mental picture of the door. You have made a visualisation.

2. Now try to imagine what your front door would look like if it was bright orange or had yellow stripes down it. Make it bigger. Move it away so that it is smaller. Move it further away and down a bit so you are looking down on it. Make it open. Change it in different ways.

3. Think about your ex now. As soon as you remember what someone looks like, you are using visualisation. What is the expression on his or her face? Observe what your ex is wearing and what he or she is doing. Where do you see the picture of them? In front of you, or to the left or the right? Is it lifesize or smaller? Is it a movie or a still image? Is it solid or transparent? Now, as you keep that image in your mind’s eye, notice the feelings that arise. Make a note of those feelings.

4. Now you could remember or imagine them differently. You can imagine you are a great film director. You can reshoot the scenes of your memory and imagination in any way you want. You can change the action, soundtrack, lighting, camera angles, framing, focus and speed. Change how you are visualising your ex and notice how it affects your feelings.

5. Bring to mind the picture you had of your ex.

6. Notice where it appears and how big it is.

7. Now drain the colour out until it looks like an old black and white picture.

8. Move the image further away until it is one-tenth of its original size.

9. Shrink it even further, right down to a little black dot.

10. Notice how your feelings have changed and compare how you feel now to the note you made earlier.

You will notice that some changes have a bigger effect than others. Images that are closer, bigger, brighter and more colorful have greater emotional intensity than those that are duller, smaller and further away.

Standing outside your memories and watching as if they were a movie helps you distance yourself from them.

FALLING OUT OF LOVE – FOR GOOD

Now you are ready to tackle the central problem using the visualization technique. Part of being heartbroken is the fact that you still feel in love. It hurts because part of you is still attached to your ex. This exercise helps that piece of you release itself.

1. List five occasions when you felt very in love with your ex. List them so you can easily call them to mind.

2. Start with the first of those memories. Play with it. Move the image away from you so that you can see yourself in the picture. Make it small.

3. Drain out the color so it is black and white, then make it transparent. When you look at your memory like this, it will seem as if the event is happening to someone else, and the emotional intensity will be reduced still further. You are starting to re-code your memory.

4. When you have finished re-coding the first memory, do the same for the next one. Work with them until you have done all five.

5. Remember in detail five negative experiences with your ex-partner, where you felt very definitely put off by him or her. List the five experiences.

6. Take the least appealing memory and fully return to that moment. Try to relive it.

7. Now turn up the color and the clarity. Make the memory as bright and clear as you can, and experience the feeling more and more strongly.

8. Go through each of the other four negative memories of your ex-partner, and relive them. Carry on until even thinking about them puts you off.

When you think about the bad experiences, again and again, the negative memories begin to join up so that there is no space between them for the feelings of love, yearning, and regret.

Concentrate on the exercise and do it methodically. Some people have found that doing this just once makes them feel different. To make sure the effect sticks, do it every day for two weeks.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR EMOTIONS

The next stage is to learn to understand your emotional reactions better. Your feelings of heartbreak are unlikely to disappear unless you cope with what they are trying to tell you.

An emotion is a bit like someone knocking on your door to deliver a message. If you don’t answer, it keeps knocking until you do open up.

Opening the door to your feelings means learning to understand them. This can be hard because heartbreak is complicated by other feelings: anger, fear, and shame.

BELIEVING THAT YOU WILL FIND LOVE AGAIN

You could fall into the trap of remaining convinced that your ex is the only person you could ever love. This is unlikely to be true on a planet with six billion people.

So why do you believe it? Can it be because you are desperately trying to avoid accepting that the relationship is over? Or are you afraid that the bad feelings associated with heartbreak will never go away?

That fear makes you anxious and keeps you feeling bad for longer. The burden of your heartbreak has grown heavier, and a vicious circle has been established.

LIVING HAPPILY AFTER YOUR BREAK-UP

A broken heart is just the growing pains necessary so that you can love more completely when the real thing comes along. – J.S.B. Morse

A good way of giving yourself a boost – and coping with complicated feelings – is to imagine a bright future.

1. Imagine the future as a corridor in front of you. Imagine walking down it, away from the present, towards a door.

2. Open the door, and see beyond it a world in which you have recovered from your heartbreaking relationship.

3. See what you look like, what you are wearing, where you are going, whom you are seeing.

4. Now step into this new world and into the new happy you. Imagine the whole experience from the inside, seeing what you would see, hearing what you would hear, and feeling how good and happy things are now.

It is not a matter of believing the image is real: just imagine it as vividly as possible.

In heartbreak, there is often a backlog of emotional learning to get through. Do one bit at a time. Your unconscious mind will protect you, and give you a rest so that you can deal with the next bit. You will learn to step out of the memories, leave them behind, and start a new life.