”Awareness Is The First Step In Healing”

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” Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.”

Progress is progress. This has to be one of my favourite mottos ever, and as we start another new year, I thought it was important to remind everyone.

No matter your current circumstance, no matter your destination, a step forward is a step forward. It doesn’t matter how small because it’s still a step. You are closer to your goal.

Situations in which this rule can help you will vary. It could be something as simple as exercising. If you ran out of time for a half-hour run, do a five-minute one. Every single time your legs move, you still progress further. A more difficult situation can be overcoming an illness, whether it’s cancer or anxiety, but every time you smile or feel better just for an instant, you’re improving.

One-Step-at-a-Time

Do NOT get caught up in making massive steps. If you’re trying to lose weight, it usually takes a while. If you start dropping off heaps of weight quickly, that can be very unhealthy, especially if you’re starving yourself to make it happen. Take it slow and have fun doing it. Exercise when you have time and eat right when you want to. There’s no rule that says you absolutely have to weigh sixty kilos before February. Take it easy. You’re the only one who will be disappointed if you don’t get there, and you can forgive yourself in a split second.

Appreciate the steps, too. Finish the day and say to yourself: “I have gained from today. I am proud.”

A quote that goes hand in hand is: “Sooner begun is sooner done.” This encourages us to just get started. You don’t need regular commitment. Just whenever you can, spot the small things you can do to benefit yourself, and do it. Don’t worry if you don’t have time to keep it up. One step here and there is still going to affect you in the most subtle way. You’ll be much better off and not even know it.

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Another thing: You don’t need a beginning of a year to make resolutions. You can be sitting in your bed on a Tuesday morning in August and think, “I’m going to follow that dream,” or, “I want to improve myself,” and you can jump straight on that. This whole “New Year, New Me” thing is unnecessary. It’s not the last day on Earth; it’s a day like any other. So why wait? And why rush?

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To summarize, this year, take your resolutions with a pinch of salt. If you want to work hard toward them, do it. But remember: If you slack off, it’s okay. Every bit of effort toward your goals is a step in the right direction. Take it easy. Be kind to yourself. You are doing great. Keep it up.

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”Things I Learned From My Mother – Be Yourself”

“Pain changes your life forever. But so does healing from it.” 

The hell of watching someone die isn’t just the actual dying part. It’s the years, months, weeks and days leading up to it.

It’s the pain of watching day by day the most important person in your life slip further and further away from you while there is nothing you can do to stop it.

You don’t lose this person in one moment. You lose them gradually throughout the whole time they are sick. As time goes on, they become less and less the person that they were before this illness took over.

I don’t know how to find even slightly pleasant words to describe what watching a parent die feels like. I don’t know how to even try to explain it without curse words and screaming.

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It’s absolutely terrifying. It’s gut-wrenching. It sends you through a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. You don’t even know who you are anymore. It takes over your life.

 

When You Grieve the Loss of Your Mom …

What I learned was my mom taught me everything by example. I became the confident, independent man I am from watching my mom. She set the precedent.

My mom taught me that I could be anything I wanted to be. She wanted me to succeed in everything I tried. She made it known that things were different when she was a young girl. She didn’t have all of the opportunities I had. It was important to her that I took full advantage of all that life had to offer me.

I learned so much from my mom. But the greatest things she ever taught me was to live. To follow my dreams. To be happy. And I am all of these things today because of her.

My mom’s most valuable life lessons were taught to me when she was dying. When you’re saying goodbye to your mom, it doesn’t matter who you are, how old you are, or how much money you have. It just sucks. But even through death, my mom continues to teach me new things.

Having to say goodbye to my mom was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There are no words, yet you have to say something. I don’t even remember what I said. And now, it just doesn’t matter. Because now I realize that nothing had to be said.

My mom was diagnosed with kidney failure when she was forty-one years old. Now that I am twenty-six, I realize how young forty-one is. Every day I think, a little over fifteen years from now and I’ll be the age my mom was when she was given a death sentence. It scares the hell out of me.

I am also haunted by the fact of how hard it must have been on my mom. She knew she was going to die. She knew she was leaving the love of her life behind and abandoning her three kids.  I know that has to be what it feels like to say goodbye to your kids. No matter how old they are.

I remember going to the hospital and the nurse pulling us aside to tell us our mom was crying all night. I was shocked. I don’t know why. I just never stopped to think that my mom was scared. She was always my rock. She took care of all of us, always. She never felt sorry for herself and she was always so strong.

Knowing my mom had kidney-failure was one thing. Knowing my mom was scared was quite another.

My mom lingered on for many months. She was seen by many specialists at many hospitals. For a while there, we had hope. But then a last-ditch-effort trip to another world renown hospital would end all the hope and speculation. Now the goal would be to make her comfortable. To pray for peace.

Hospice came and set up shop in our family room. This was our new reality. We had visitors in and out every single day. Our lives were shattering, yet the outside world kept spinning.

Thankfully my mom didn’t suffer long. The end came fast. So fast we couldn’t all be there.  My cousins woke me up and said to come home by next flight. A nurse was taking my mom’s pulse and said it would be soon. Sometime in the next few hours, was her guess.

My mom died an hour later. With just my dad and my brother there. I’m pretty sure I didn’t even know what was happening. I sat next to her for a while after she was gone. Staring at her. Willing for her to wake up. She didn’t.

A few minutes later, her friends arrived. My dad met them on the front porch as I stayed with my mom. I could hear them wailing. It was unbearable. They came inside and said their goodbyes.

My uncle and brothers made it home soon thereafter. My brothers were heartbroken that they were not there when our mom died. I was haunted that I had been there. It turns out our final good-byes did not matter. It was the life we had all shared together that did. And that could never be taken away from us.

 

Now we had to face the cruel reality that life, does indeed, go on. Without our mom. Like it or not. But we had each other and everything that our mom had instilled in us. And that’s how life went on. And continues to go on. Every damn day.

Saying goodbye is never easy. But it’s impossible to say goodbye to someone who is always going to be part of you.

”Healing Broken Heart”

Everyone in life is going to hurt you, you just have to figure out which people are worth the pain.

– Bob Marley

The searing pain of a failed relationship is the greatest suffering many of us will ever experience. Using their unique 10 step method, you can remove emotional pain and feel free to enjoy life fully again –

ACCEPTING THE PAIN-

Don’t waste your time on revenge. Those who hurt you will eventually face their own karma. – Matareva Pearl

Accept that you will have to go through some pain. It is an unavoidable truth that if you loved enough to be heartbroken, you have to experience some suffering.

When you lose something that mattered to you, it is natural and important to feel sad about it: that feeling is an essential part of the healing process.

The problem with broken-hearted people is that they seem to be reliving their misery over and over again. If you cannot seem to break the cycle of painful memories, the chances are that you are locked into repeating dysfunctional patterns of behavior. Your pain has become a mental habit. This habit can, and must, be broken.

This is not to belittle the strength of your feelings or the importance of the habits you’ve built up during your relationship. Without habit, none of us would function. But there comes a time when the pain becomes unhealthy.

When you enter your bedroom at night, you switch on the light without thinking. If you obsess about your ex and feel unhappy all the time, it’s likely that your unconscious mind is ‘switching on’ your emotions in exactly the same way.

Without realizing it, you have programmed yourself to feel a pang of grief every time you hear that tune you danced to, or see your ex’s empty chair across the kitchen table.

CHANGING YOUR HABITS

Now you have to break those connections. Turn off the music that reminds you of your her. Make your home look and feel different from when your loved one was around. Move the furniture.

Take up a new activity. And keep moving: exercise is the single most effective therapy for depression.

The point of these changes is to break up the old associations and give yourself a new environment for your new life. The changes you make don’t have to be permanent. Even if it is just using a different shampoo and deleting your ex’s number from the memory of your mobile, change something. Now.

CHANGING YOUR THOUGHTS

The next step is to do the same thing on the inside – transform your habits of thought. In a relationship, we build up a huge array of such habits. When the love affair ends, these patterns can still be running.

To change your thinking habits, you need to understand a little more about them.

Have you ever witnessed the same event as someone else, and later found out their account of it was completely different from yours? Each of you saw the event through a ‘frame’, made up of your personal beliefs, feelings, and internal habits.

If you are finding it devastatingly difficult to handle the end of your relationship, you may need to change this ‘frame’. You will need to reframe your heartbreak. Stop seeing it as the end of your happiness. Instead, turn it into a challenge; view it as an opportunity.

Being heartbroken can make you feel worthless and hopeless – but that is because the frame you are using is too narrow. Learning to see your situation with a different frame is a wonderful liberation.

VIEW YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OUTSIDE

The following exercise will help you look at your circumstances from different points of view, so you gain helpful insights.

1. Think about the break-up of your relationship. What are the judgments or generalizations you have made about yourself and your ex?

2. Now think of someone you admire – a character from history or a real friend. Imagine they are watching a movie of this part of your life, and step into their shoes to watch it instead. Imagine what their comments would be.

3. Now imagine that a neutral observer is watching the movie of your life. Step into their shoes and watch it from there.

4. Notice the differences that you see from each point of view. Which ones are helpful? Which ones make you feel better? Use these perspectives to view your relationship in a new light.

People who get over difficulties well rarely see what has happened to them as a disaster. They frame it as a challenge. It is a matter of a point of view. It is not what happens to us, but how we interpret it that determines the outcome for us.

CHANGING HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF AND HIM

The next stage is to focus on your mental picture of your lost love. By changing how you represent your ex in your mind, you can greatly reduce or even eliminate your distress.

You must learn to control your ‘visualization’. Every single one of us makes pictures in our imagination – and we can all learn how to change the pictures. It is important to learn to do this because our bodies react to what we imagine in the same way that they react to what is actually happening to us. Memory and imagination affect our feelings in the same way as reality does.

We are constantly altering our state by the pictures we make in our imagination and the way we talk to ourselves. So it is vital to control those pictures and not let them run away with our feelings.

CHANGING HOW YOU SEE YOUR PAST

It’s sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew. – Henry Rollins

1. Answer the following question. Which side of your front door is the lock on? To answer, you have had to make a mental picture of the door. You have made a visualisation.

2. Now try to imagine what your front door would look like if it was bright orange or had yellow stripes down it. Make it bigger. Move it away so that it is smaller. Move it further away and down a bit so you are looking down on it. Make it open. Change it in different ways.

3. Think about your ex now. As soon as you remember what someone looks like, you are using visualisation. What is the expression on his or her face? Observe what your ex is wearing and what he or she is doing. Where do you see the picture of them? In front of you, or to the left or the right? Is it lifesize or smaller? Is it a movie or a still image? Is it solid or transparent? Now, as you keep that image in your mind’s eye, notice the feelings that arise. Make a note of those feelings.

4. Now you could remember or imagine them differently. You can imagine you are a great film director. You can reshoot the scenes of your memory and imagination in any way you want. You can change the action, soundtrack, lighting, camera angles, framing, focus and speed. Change how you are visualising your ex and notice how it affects your feelings.

5. Bring to mind the picture you had of your ex.

6. Notice where it appears and how big it is.

7. Now drain the colour out until it looks like an old black and white picture.

8. Move the image further away until it is one-tenth of its original size.

9. Shrink it even further, right down to a little black dot.

10. Notice how your feelings have changed and compare how you feel now to the note you made earlier.

You will notice that some changes have a bigger effect than others. Images that are closer, bigger, brighter and more colorful have greater emotional intensity than those that are duller, smaller and further away.

Standing outside your memories and watching as if they were a movie helps you distance yourself from them.

FALLING OUT OF LOVE – FOR GOOD

Now you are ready to tackle the central problem using the visualization technique. Part of being heartbroken is the fact that you still feel in love. It hurts because part of you is still attached to your ex. This exercise helps that piece of you release itself.

1. List five occasions when you felt very in love with your ex. List them so you can easily call them to mind.

2. Start with the first of those memories. Play with it. Move the image away from you so that you can see yourself in the picture. Make it small.

3. Drain out the color so it is black and white, then make it transparent. When you look at your memory like this, it will seem as if the event is happening to someone else, and the emotional intensity will be reduced still further. You are starting to re-code your memory.

4. When you have finished re-coding the first memory, do the same for the next one. Work with them until you have done all five.

5. Remember in detail five negative experiences with your ex-partner, where you felt very definitely put off by him or her. List the five experiences.

6. Take the least appealing memory and fully return to that moment. Try to relive it.

7. Now turn up the color and the clarity. Make the memory as bright and clear as you can, and experience the feeling more and more strongly.

8. Go through each of the other four negative memories of your ex-partner, and relive them. Carry on until even thinking about them puts you off.

When you think about the bad experiences, again and again, the negative memories begin to join up so that there is no space between them for the feelings of love, yearning, and regret.

Concentrate on the exercise and do it methodically. Some people have found that doing this just once makes them feel different. To make sure the effect sticks, do it every day for two weeks.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR EMOTIONS

The next stage is to learn to understand your emotional reactions better. Your feelings of heartbreak are unlikely to disappear unless you cope with what they are trying to tell you.

An emotion is a bit like someone knocking on your door to deliver a message. If you don’t answer, it keeps knocking until you do open up.

Opening the door to your feelings means learning to understand them. This can be hard because heartbreak is complicated by other feelings: anger, fear, and shame.

BELIEVING THAT YOU WILL FIND LOVE AGAIN

You could fall into the trap of remaining convinced that your ex is the only person you could ever love. This is unlikely to be true on a planet with six billion people.

So why do you believe it? Can it be because you are desperately trying to avoid accepting that the relationship is over? Or are you afraid that the bad feelings associated with heartbreak will never go away?

That fear makes you anxious and keeps you feeling bad for longer. The burden of your heartbreak has grown heavier, and a vicious circle has been established.

LIVING HAPPILY AFTER YOUR BREAK-UP

A broken heart is just the growing pains necessary so that you can love more completely when the real thing comes along. – J.S.B. Morse

A good way of giving yourself a boost – and coping with complicated feelings – is to imagine a bright future.

1. Imagine the future as a corridor in front of you. Imagine walking down it, away from the present, towards a door.

2. Open the door, and see beyond it a world in which you have recovered from your heartbreaking relationship.

3. See what you look like, what you are wearing, where you are going, whom you are seeing.

4. Now step into this new world and into the new happy you. Imagine the whole experience from the inside, seeing what you would see, hearing what you would hear, and feeling how good and happy things are now.

It is not a matter of believing the image is real: just imagine it as vividly as possible.

In heartbreak, there is often a backlog of emotional learning to get through. Do one bit at a time. Your unconscious mind will protect you, and give you a rest so that you can deal with the next bit. You will learn to step out of the memories, leave them behind, and start a new life.

''Healing Broken Heart''

Everyone in life is going to hurt you, you just have to figure out which people are worth the pain.

– Bob Marley

The searing pain of a failed relationship is the greatest suffering many of us will ever experience. Using their unique 10 step method, you can remove emotional pain and feel free to enjoy life fully again –

ACCEPTING THE PAIN-

Don’t waste your time on revenge. Those who hurt you will eventually face their own karma. – Matareva Pearl

Accept that you will have to go through some pain. It is an unavoidable truth that if you loved enough to be heartbroken, you have to experience some suffering.

When you lose something that mattered to you, it is natural and important to feel sad about it: that feeling is an essential part of the healing process.

The problem with broken-hearted people is that they seem to be reliving their misery over and over again. If you cannot seem to break the cycle of painful memories, the chances are that you are locked into repeating dysfunctional patterns of behavior. Your pain has become a mental habit. This habit can, and must, be broken.

This is not to belittle the strength of your feelings or the importance of the habits you’ve built up during your relationship. Without habit, none of us would function. But there comes a time when the pain becomes unhealthy.

When you enter your bedroom at night, you switch on the light without thinking. If you obsess about your ex and feel unhappy all the time, it’s likely that your unconscious mind is ‘switching on’ your emotions in exactly the same way.

Without realizing it, you have programmed yourself to feel a pang of grief every time you hear that tune you danced to, or see your ex’s empty chair across the kitchen table.

CHANGING YOUR HABITS

Now you have to break those connections. Turn off the music that reminds you of your her. Make your home look and feel different from when your loved one was around. Move the furniture.

Take up a new activity. And keep moving: exercise is the single most effective therapy for depression.

The point of these changes is to break up the old associations and give yourself a new environment for your new life. The changes you make don’t have to be permanent. Even if it is just using a different shampoo and deleting your ex’s number from the memory of your mobile, change something. Now.

CHANGING YOUR THOUGHTS

The next step is to do the same thing on the inside – transform your habits of thought. In a relationship, we build up a huge array of such habits. When the love affair ends, these patterns can still be running.

To change your thinking habits, you need to understand a little more about them.

Have you ever witnessed the same event as someone else, and later found out their account of it was completely different from yours? Each of you saw the event through a ‘frame’, made up of your personal beliefs, feelings, and internal habits.

If you are finding it devastatingly difficult to handle the end of your relationship, you may need to change this ‘frame’. You will need to reframe your heartbreak. Stop seeing it as the end of your happiness. Instead, turn it into a challenge; view it as an opportunity.

Being heartbroken can make you feel worthless and hopeless – but that is because the frame you are using is too narrow. Learning to see your situation with a different frame is a wonderful liberation.

VIEW YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OUTSIDE

The following exercise will help you look at your circumstances from different points of view, so you gain helpful insights.

1. Think about the break-up of your relationship. What are the judgments or generalizations you have made about yourself and your ex?

2. Now think of someone you admire – a character from history or a real friend. Imagine they are watching a movie of this part of your life, and step into their shoes to watch it instead. Imagine what their comments would be.

3. Now imagine that a neutral observer is watching the movie of your life. Step into their shoes and watch it from there.

4. Notice the differences that you see from each point of view. Which ones are helpful? Which ones make you feel better? Use these perspectives to view your relationship in a new light.

People who get over difficulties well rarely see what has happened to them as a disaster. They frame it as a challenge. It is a matter of a point of view. It is not what happens to us, but how we interpret it that determines the outcome for us.

CHANGING HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF AND HIM

The next stage is to focus on your mental picture of your lost love. By changing how you represent your ex in your mind, you can greatly reduce or even eliminate your distress.

You must learn to control your ‘visualization’. Every single one of us makes pictures in our imagination – and we can all learn how to change the pictures. It is important to learn to do this because our bodies react to what we imagine in the same way that they react to what is actually happening to us. Memory and imagination affect our feelings in the same way as reality does.

We are constantly altering our state by the pictures we make in our imagination and the way we talk to ourselves. So it is vital to control those pictures and not let them run away with our feelings.

CHANGING HOW YOU SEE YOUR PAST

It’s sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew. – Henry Rollins

1. Answer the following question. Which side of your front door is the lock on? To answer, you have had to make a mental picture of the door. You have made a visualisation.

2. Now try to imagine what your front door would look like if it was bright orange or had yellow stripes down it. Make it bigger. Move it away so that it is smaller. Move it further away and down a bit so you are looking down on it. Make it open. Change it in different ways.

3. Think about your ex now. As soon as you remember what someone looks like, you are using visualisation. What is the expression on his or her face? Observe what your ex is wearing and what he or she is doing. Where do you see the picture of them? In front of you, or to the left or the right? Is it lifesize or smaller? Is it a movie or a still image? Is it solid or transparent? Now, as you keep that image in your mind’s eye, notice the feelings that arise. Make a note of those feelings.

4. Now you could remember or imagine them differently. You can imagine you are a great film director. You can reshoot the scenes of your memory and imagination in any way you want. You can change the action, soundtrack, lighting, camera angles, framing, focus and speed. Change how you are visualising your ex and notice how it affects your feelings.

5. Bring to mind the picture you had of your ex.

6. Notice where it appears and how big it is.

7. Now drain the colour out until it looks like an old black and white picture.

8. Move the image further away until it is one-tenth of its original size.

9. Shrink it even further, right down to a little black dot.

10. Notice how your feelings have changed and compare how you feel now to the note you made earlier.

You will notice that some changes have a bigger effect than others. Images that are closer, bigger, brighter and more colorful have greater emotional intensity than those that are duller, smaller and further away.

Standing outside your memories and watching as if they were a movie helps you distance yourself from them.

FALLING OUT OF LOVE – FOR GOOD

Now you are ready to tackle the central problem using the visualization technique. Part of being heartbroken is the fact that you still feel in love. It hurts because part of you is still attached to your ex. This exercise helps that piece of you release itself.

1. List five occasions when you felt very in love with your ex. List them so you can easily call them to mind.

2. Start with the first of those memories. Play with it. Move the image away from you so that you can see yourself in the picture. Make it small.

3. Drain out the color so it is black and white, then make it transparent. When you look at your memory like this, it will seem as if the event is happening to someone else, and the emotional intensity will be reduced still further. You are starting to re-code your memory.

4. When you have finished re-coding the first memory, do the same for the next one. Work with them until you have done all five.

5. Remember in detail five negative experiences with your ex-partner, where you felt very definitely put off by him or her. List the five experiences.

6. Take the least appealing memory and fully return to that moment. Try to relive it.

7. Now turn up the color and the clarity. Make the memory as bright and clear as you can, and experience the feeling more and more strongly.

8. Go through each of the other four negative memories of your ex-partner, and relive them. Carry on until even thinking about them puts you off.

When you think about the bad experiences, again and again, the negative memories begin to join up so that there is no space between them for the feelings of love, yearning, and regret.

Concentrate on the exercise and do it methodically. Some people have found that doing this just once makes them feel different. To make sure the effect sticks, do it every day for two weeks.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR EMOTIONS

The next stage is to learn to understand your emotional reactions better. Your feelings of heartbreak are unlikely to disappear unless you cope with what they are trying to tell you.

An emotion is a bit like someone knocking on your door to deliver a message. If you don’t answer, it keeps knocking until you do open up.

Opening the door to your feelings means learning to understand them. This can be hard because heartbreak is complicated by other feelings: anger, fear, and shame.

BELIEVING THAT YOU WILL FIND LOVE AGAIN

You could fall into the trap of remaining convinced that your ex is the only person you could ever love. This is unlikely to be true on a planet with six billion people.

So why do you believe it? Can it be because you are desperately trying to avoid accepting that the relationship is over? Or are you afraid that the bad feelings associated with heartbreak will never go away?

That fear makes you anxious and keeps you feeling bad for longer. The burden of your heartbreak has grown heavier, and a vicious circle has been established.

LIVING HAPPILY AFTER YOUR BREAK-UP

A broken heart is just the growing pains necessary so that you can love more completely when the real thing comes along. – J.S.B. Morse

A good way of giving yourself a boost – and coping with complicated feelings – is to imagine a bright future.

1. Imagine the future as a corridor in front of you. Imagine walking down it, away from the present, towards a door.

2. Open the door, and see beyond it a world in which you have recovered from your heartbreaking relationship.

3. See what you look like, what you are wearing, where you are going, whom you are seeing.

4. Now step into this new world and into the new happy you. Imagine the whole experience from the inside, seeing what you would see, hearing what you would hear, and feeling how good and happy things are now.

It is not a matter of believing the image is real: just imagine it as vividly as possible.

In heartbreak, there is often a backlog of emotional learning to get through. Do one bit at a time. Your unconscious mind will protect you, and give you a rest so that you can deal with the next bit. You will learn to step out of the memories, leave them behind, and start a new life.